Coffee Cake and Pandemics

We’ve been inside for way too long, and no end in sight, because of my level of risk factors. I asked my mom for this recipe, because I’m Going To Alter It At Some Point, but in the meantime those who can eat wheat and sugar should have the opportunity to try it. We’ve been making this coffee cake since I was small, and one of my earlier cooking tasks was to roll the little bits of butter in sugar. I ate more than a few of them before the cake ever got into the oven. Mom always called this Mace Cake. It’s adapted from a James Beard cookbook. (I’ve modernized the instructions.)

So, here you go:

  • 1 1/2 cup minus 2 tablespoons flour
  • 2 teaspoons double acting baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon mace
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1 beaten egg
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 3 tablespoons melted butter
  • butter and sugar for topping
  • extra cinnamon or mace for the top

Preheat your oven to 400 F

Butter an 8×8 pyrex or corningwear baking pan. Be generous, the butter helps make a really delightful edge piece.

Set a small child or other helper if you’ve got ’em to rolling little bits of butter (they were the size of my pinky fingertip when I was little, so ehhh pencil eraser sized?) in sugar. If they finish first, stick the sugared butter bits in the fridge until you’re done if the kitchen is warm.

Sift the dry ingredients together, make a little well in the middle of the pile

Pour in the wet ingredients into the well, and then beat everything until smooth.

Pour the batter into the greased pan and dot the top with the little butter bits. The number and placement of these is completely subjective, but personally I like them spaced every inch or even more frequently. Ask your kids to calculate the number you need, if there are none at the edges and your pan is 8×8 and they are placed every inch.

Sprinkle a little cinnamon over the top, or more mace.

Bake for 25 minutes, until golden brown and puffy. The top should be pretty crisp from the extra butter and sugar.

Serve warm, with coffee.

 

I’m planning on trying this with almond flour and monkfruit/erythritol sweetener, in well-buttered muffin tins.

 

 

On family apocrypha and genetic testing

So, we did a bunch of genetic testing a while ago. I got both 23 & me and Genes For Good done. My family had done 23 & me before me, so we were able to match up and compare a whole lot.

The weirdest part of it was that on first reading, while I came back 50% Ashkenazi Jewish, which is to be expected given my father’s background, I only had 49.9% of my genes in common with my mother. Quirks of testing years apart, probably, but still kinda odd.

Now you might assume from my 50% Ashkenazi that my father is 100% Ashkenazi Jew. Indeed, his mother was a Polish Jew born in the US shortly after her parents emigrated legally through Ellis Island. And his father was a “Russian” Jew, though the last place he and his mother lived in that part of the world was actually Ukraine. Growing up in the 70s and 80s people didn’t really distinguish much because it was all Soviet and they fled pogroms that came on the heels of the Revolution.

But his genetic profile showed less than 100% Ashkenazi, and a few tenths of a percent combined of Middle Eastern and North African.

The test proved that he is, in fact, my genetic parent.

Now on my mother’s side, when asked where our ancestors came from it was mostly England and western Europe, according to my mother’s mother, but that a few hundred years ago there might have been a French fur trapper and a Native American woman. That wasn’t the term she used.

None of that showed up. Mom came up 100% European. Was it probably a family story to make people feel better about their entitlement to be here? A chunk of her family came on the Mayflower or not long after, that seems… likely.

I don’t claim to be Native, nor do I claim to be Middle Eastern or African. But just because when we first looked, they had no markers for Africa on my genes, doesn’t mean that I’m not descended from the same people my father is descended from.

We only get pieces, but the lines of descent are still there.

And you’ll note that I said on first reading… It’s been a year or so… and they’ve refined the tests, and sure enough, I’m 0.2% African, with a tenth of a percent each from Northeast Africa and a tenth of a percent from broadly Sub-Saharan Africa. I think it’s one gene for really curly hair (but it only gets that curly at the back of my neck?) I’m the palest white person I’ve ever met. I would no more claim to be Black on the basis of that then I would claim to be neon green based on the fact that I occasionally dye my hair. It’s a curiosity, no more. Apparently Dad is .3% one flavor of “Broadly African” where I am .1% a different flavor of “Broadly African” but he’s the only one I could possibly get it from.

Mom comes up as like, .4% Iberian and I’m like 2.8% and Dad is none and yet they are my genetic parents… and the answer is “They got theirs done years before I did and the chip their results are on is not as complex or updatable as the one mine are on”

So we can infer some further detail for their results from my results.

On top of the mere mechanical issue of different technology over time, every test is hampered by the fact that in order to figure these markers out, we basically have to go by people who know where they’re from or who have lived there forever as far back as anyone remembers, and people have been traveling for as long as there have been people. The larger the sample size, the more information we have. And for a variety of reasons, people of Native descent do not have as large a sample size as they have a right to, nor the resources necessarily to spend money on a test,  and there has been so much crossing of genetic lines due to marriage, rape, and every other factor that makes humanity so diverse, that the tests for that lineage may never be as clear as people might like. There are Native people who have had their results come back anything but, but that doesn’t contradict their upbringing, their culture, their ancestry, it just means that like many marginalized and oppressed groups, too much has been lost to maintain accurate accountings over time.

When someone tells me they have a little Native blood, I don’t assume either way. I was told that, but it doesn’t change the fact that the vast majority of my ancestors on my mother’s side were colonizers and on my father’s side, refugees. They were all people who traveled very far to find hope and safety and freedom, and I try very hard to take what I have and make sure the path is clear beside me and behind me.

Long story short, genetics are complicated, are never the whole story (we only get half a story from each parent and so on,) and when it comes down to it, there’s little to be gained latching onto family apocrypha and crying foul when the data doesn’t match, when the data only has a small chance of proving the case even if the apocryphal ancestor actually existed.

Also, White* people make way, way too much of the whole genetic ancestry thing mattering at all. Which is part of the problem with racists who actively promote the idea of genetic superiority.

If you’re curious, my results:

European 99.8%
Ashkenazi Jewish 49.9%
British & Irish 27.1%
French & German 8.6%
Iberian (Spanish peninsula) 2.8%
Broadly Northwestern European 10.1%
Broadly Southern European 1.0%
Broadly European 0.4%
Sub-Saharan African 0.2%
(Broadly Northern East African 0.1%)
(Broadly Sub-Saharan African 0.1%)

*The reason I’m capitalizing white here is to be very specific about White Nationalists.

Long story short, if people are trying to make hay of someone claiming a small amount of ancestry they learned about through family stories (but not turning it up on a genetic result) as being evidence of anything at all about that person, they’re probably assholes.

Fork Theory

This is copied nearly verbatim from my Tumblr, from whence it managed to become Facebook viral.

Have I told y’all about my husband’s Fork Theory?

So the Spoon Theory is a fundamental metaphor used often in the chronic pain/chronic illness communities to explain to non-spoonies why life is harder for them. It’s super useful and we use that all the time.

But it has a corollary.

You know the phrase, “Stick a fork in me, I’m done,” right?

Well, Fork Theory is that one has a Fork Limit, that is, you can probably cope okay with one fork stuck in you, maybe two or three, but at some point you will lose your shit if one more fork happens.

A fork could range from being hungry or having to pee to getting a new bill or a new diagnosis of illness. There are lots of different sizes of forks, and volume vs. quantity means that the fork limit is not absolute. I might be able to deal with 20 tiny little escargot fork annoyances, such as a hangnail or slightly suboptimal pants, but not even one “you poked my trigger on purpose because you think it’s fun to see me melt down” pitchfork.

This is super relevant for neurodivergent folk. Like, you might be able to deal with your feet being cold or a tag, but not both. Hubby describes the situation as “It may seem weird that I just get up and leave the conversation to go to the bathroom, but you just dumped a new financial burden on me and I already had to pee, and going to the bathroom is the fork I can get rid of the fastest.”

From Tumblr reactions to this, we got a few new words and phrases, the best of which is probably “Forkupine”. The grand unification is “Spork theory”.
One person came up with a corollary of the corollary, a “dish” theory, about the idea of “load bearing supports”, i.e. things that help in case of lack of spoons, or things that protect you from being stuck by a fork.
Having words for a thing often makes it easier to cope.
This is not unlike the idea of the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I find it a more functional and hopeful metaphor, because it tells us that when the forks are removed, in whatever order, we can cope better. A broken back is a broken back, and implies helplessness.
ETA:
A couple people have asked if they can use the Fork Theory if they’re not (fill in whatever, I don’t care.)

The short answer is, “Of course.”

I’d like to just say that gatekeeping takes up too much energy, uses too many spoons and sticks forks in people.

Both hubby and I deal with chronic mental and physical health issues. Mine are more obvious–severe rheumatoid arthritis on top of a stack of other issues will do that to you. But “running out of spoons” happens even to people who do have the physical ability to exercise, for example. Just because someone starts out their day with more spoons, or bigger spoons, doesn’t mean they can’t run out. And EVERYONE has a fork limit.

This was designed to be a corollary, not a substitute, and I would not for a second limit who could use this idea. Everyone, disabled or not, has limits to what they can take.

In fact, the difference, in many cases, between an able-bodied person and a disabled person, between a person without mental health diagnoses and someone with mental health diagnoses is very small, and can be encompassed by one word.

The word?

YET.

You live long enough, life is going to throw trauma your way. You live long enough, you will experience disability.

And if you don’t, well, apparently you are terminally unlucky.

Seriously, gatekeeping this particular thing is a zero sum game and I really wish people wouldn’t. We need the curb cutter effect of able-bodied people understanding our metaphors. Of being able to shorthand something and have someone else go, “Ah, I understand.”

It’s tempting for me, with how disabled I am, how much more disabled I’ve been at times, to think, “Oh, no one could really understand how bad this is” with the undercurrent of (I assume I’m handling this badly compared to everyone else, but if I’m the only one feeling this way, and others don’t understand, then it’s not my fault.)

The fact of the matter is that disability is hard, and isolating and literally anyone who went through what I have gone through would have a hard time with it. I don’t have to feel guilty about not dealing very well with it.

My sister said to me once, and it stuck with me forever, “This shit is objectively hard.”

And yeah, RA is. Lupus is. Thyroiditis and Ehlers Danlos and allergies and asthma and sleep apnea and depression and isolation and dealing with the current political situation and worrying about money and stressing about jobs and kids and and and and… this stuff is hard. Lots of people can deal okay with a couple of issues, some people deal gracefully with some huge issues and most of us? Just muddle along doing our best and it would behoove us to assume that others are also trying.

We discover in our online communities commonality of experience, that we are not alone in our not-dealing-very-well, that when some people are dealing better it may be because they have more resources or know information that they can share with others.

If we forget that the reason we come together is for understanding, and start to shut people out… we’re just part of someone else’s bad day. And I’d rather not.

(Oh, and as for the knife theory, it’s pretty damn simple… in this context, knives are the things you bleed from when you pull them out, the things that make triggers, the lasting traumas, the actual aggression. They’re the things you may need medical or mental health attention to heal from.)

Just to be clear

My gender is not open for debate, negotiation, discussion or outside opinions. If you do not live in this skin, you don’t get to have a say in my gender identity, period, and the ONLY thing your negative opinion can do is alienate me.
 
If I share with you the name I am considering changing my name to, feel honored that I trusted you with it, and don’t tell me what you think of it, I don’t care if you don’t like it, but if you say something negative I’ll think less of you for it.
 
My pronouns are they/them. I will start correcting people on this if they don’t correct themselves.
 
My sister calls me sibling. My kids still call me Mom. I refer to myself as my husband’s spouse. I’m still my niece’s aunt. I do not use woman, girl, she, her, wife or sister much anymore.
 
I DO understand that it takes time to adapt to change and that no one will be 100% on this stuff immediately, and if you slip I’m not going to be mad, but if you don’t even try, I probably won’t trust you very much.
 
This is not new. I’ve been struggling with the gender binary since childhood, I simply didn’t have the language to describe myself and my experience until the past few years. I came out as nonbinary about 3 years ago, give or take.
 
I’m not asking for your opinion. I’m asking for your support. You don’t have to understand in order to treat me with respect.

Bridges Falling

Sexual Harassment: Now You See It. Why didn’t you before?

A black and white image of empty theater seats, curving at an angle away from the viewer

sexual harassment accusations are emptying a lot of seats

Red Flags and Shock Fatigue

Sexual harassment is bringing down a lot of people’s heroes. Not so many of mine.

The only Woody Allen movie I’ve ever managed to sit all the way through was Antz.

I feel about him the way I do about tempeh. Other people have ordered tempeh and told me, “Oh, this is the best tempeh I’ve ever had!” and I’ve tried a bite, and honestly? Tempeh tastes like rot to me, and not in a good way.

I tried to watch Annie Hall, and not very far in, something in my stomach churned, and I turned it off and watched something else. I don’t even remember at what point that happened in the movie, or what triggered it.

Sometimes very good storytellers have a skewed view of the world, and those of us who see the skew recoil from the stories. Not every well-told story is good. When the allegations against him came out, something in me breathed a sigh—not of relief, just a momentary, “Of course”— as I finally got an explanation for an instinctive recoil.

We’ve known about him for years. He keeps making movies. I keep not watching them. Will the known abusers now face consequences?

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Drinking Games as Coping Measures

So, drinking games are a super bad idea in reality, if done with alcohol, and probably literally no one should ever actually do that, because it can be actually dangerous.

THAT SAID… the concept of sussing out the tropes in advance and mentally taking a swig whenever a doozy comes up?

Is incredibly useful as a mental health technique, especially around issues of trauma and health, such as after a miscarriage, after a diagnosis, divorce, etc.

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Turkey Day Menu 2017: GF and allergy friendly

Courtesy of my sister, who is willing to adapt menus for other allergy issues. Comment here if your needs are different. 

First off, we have multiple allergies and food issues. In short:

Me; Militantly gluten free and no strawberries or sulfites due to allergies. Also allergic to crustaceans (lobster, crab, possibly shrimp?), peanuts, hazelnuts, lima beans, oats, banana, and weird issues around standard commercial dairy and eggs, but I do fine with certain local products on eggs and dairy. I also randomly have issues with tomatoes, garlic, onions, some veggies,  peppers, but there are meds I can take that help reduce inflammation to tolerate those. Some forms of garlic are better than others. I avoid most soy, refined sugar and mold-type cheeses due to inflammation issues.

My eldest: Allergic to soy, egg, dairy, peanuts and wheat.

My middle: No citric acid or citrates, reacts to wheat in weird ways, same for natamycin

Hubby has texture/taste issues (goes beyond dislike, not an allergy) with visible egg, set gelatin, and most cheese (except pizza.)

Youngest is Intensely picky.

A turkey dinner is actually one of the easiest meals to adapt.

So, within those parameters, here is our menu, according to Sis, with bullet commentary by me.

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no more shots

On to a new oral drug. lefluf something, IDK, i’m not allergic to it and it’s making me a little tired but not poisoned. And many more steroids.

I’m not going on LJ anymore. Everything’s on Dreamwidth (jenrose) and here, and I’m on Tumblr.

 

Just a little poison

Sometimes it’s really hard to write about other people’s happy times when it reminds me of when I was strong and thought I could do almost anything.

Sometimes it’s an escape, but sometimes it’s just a really rough reminder of how hard I’m struggling right now.

The true answer to “How are you” behind the cut. It ain’t pretty.

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On dealing with criticism and pattern arguments

Someone on Tumblr suggested that it was not ideal to answer criticism with “I’m a terrible person.” Someone else said, “But I say that because I feel that badly about myself.” Someone else suggested that was still manipulative and not a good thing to do.

Okay, life lesson time (or, “How to accept criticism like a rational adult and avoid pattern arguments when other people pull this nonsense.”)

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nowisthetimetwitter

image says:

NOW IS THE TIME
that we cling together * for comfort and safety
and hold each other * so that no one falls * or is lost
tell me if you’re slipping * i’ve got two hands
and a million words

 

Ice

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The world feels fragile and cold right now.

There is a slick of ice coating every blade of grass, every rose branch, the grape arbor and the wisteria vines. The tomato cages look like clear white neon tubes in a glass garden, one lonely tomato plant still green under its coating of ice.

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About the idea of the safety pin

I don’t wear a pin because I’ve never been able to sit down and shut up when someone’s being an asshole to someone around me, and people have always been comfortable asking me for help or accepting help when offered, so it doesn’t feel necessary (also my hair is purple and blue and very festive, and most people don’t look at me and assume I’m excessively conservative. My bumper stickers are also pretty freakin’ obvious already.)

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What helped with my depression?

CW: frank discussion of depression, with mentions of body dysphoria, mostly upbeat.

I was answering this question in a private message, and decided to flesh it out here in case it helps someone.

What helped with my depression, behind the cut.

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