Announcing A Lon Story

A Lon Story by Jenrose appears in metallic, riveted type floating over the Lon dandelion and sun header science fiction header image.On November 15, 2017, I launched the website and Patreon for A Lon Story, my original hard science fiction web series.

Check out my Patreon.

This is a project I’ve been working on for seven years. My goal was to write plausible science fiction, without handwaving away things like the laws of physics (no FTL). It is in many ways an exploration of Arthur C Clarke’s third law, and sets out to explore both the near future disasters that may be facing us, and the long term possibilities that might grow out of overcoming those disasters.

In addition to the website and the Patreon, you can keep track of updates on Twitter and Tumblr. The main story will eventually be public on the website (there are public pages now on the Patreon, but everything is posted there first), and those pages will be broadcast to all the social media accounts, but Patreon is by far the best way to keep up with everything.

The first story, A Lon Beginning, is a kid-friendly (tested on kids as young as five) novella that works well as a chapter book/bedtime reading that adults enjoy as well.

While this is not a book specifically about LGBTQ+issues, the main character is a nonbinary child, and very few of the characters in the series are white.

See the first chapter here:

Book Cover for A Lon Beginning shows Kel, an android, projected on a concrete wall. Her eyes are unsettling, and the lighting is harsh. There are metallic threads running through her hair, and the wall behind her streams with brilliant droplets of light. The image shades from grey through purple, cyan and azure in a complex gradient from top to bottom. This composite image gives a very science fiction feel to the book cover.

AO3 is currently under a DDoS attack, so here’s my fic

My Fanfic

This is a very, very rough and quick list of most of my fic from AO3 because the site is down today (July 2023.) Links to my other Doctor Who and X-files fics can be had from the front page of this site. I know the epub/html order is not consistent, but that’s an artifact of the upload process and I’m too tired to fix it right now. I probably got a few wrong when labeling. The Epub files for Pocketful and Complementarity are very large because they contain the images.

The html for most of these is as lean as it can be, very bare bones, dark mode download from AO3. This is all hosted on my own site, not linking out to AO3. I don’t mind people sharing with a friend, but please do not upload any of these files to any other site. I prefer keeping them here and on AO3 only. The easiest way to share is by giving someone a link! (And no, I don’t make money off of this site, you will notice a distinct lack of advertising anywhere. I just prefer to keep things where i can edit them if I need to.)

In an ideal world I would come back and put a list of fandoms and clickable links, but we all know that’s probably not going to happen. The more popular/recent stuff is up top.

MDZS/The Untamed/CQL

Pocketful of Soul (html) Pocketful of Soul (epub)

Time Charm
  1. in case of fire, break glass
    in case of fire break (html) in case of fire break (epub)
  2. who knows who she’ll make me
    who knows who shell make (html) who knows who shell make (epub)
  3. whatever came of you and me
    whatever came of you and (html) whatever came of you and (epub)
  4. give me your mind, baby, give me your body
    give me your mind baby (html) give me your mind baby (epub)
  5. worth it all these years
    worth it all these years (html)  worth it all these years (epub)

Merlin

Complementarity, Entanglement and the Uncertainty of Destiny
—or— A Feminist Mage in King Arthur’s Court
Complementarity (epub) Complementarity (html)

Good Omens

  1. Mitzvah (html) Mitzvah (epub)
  2. Barukh (epub) Barukh (html)
  3. Tea (epub) Tea (html)
  4. Ehhad (html) Ehhad (epub)
  5. Sarah Young’s FAQ (epub) Sarah Young’s FAQ (html)
  6. Shelter (epub) Shelter (html)

Check, Please!

Standalone:

Just Guys Baking Pies (html) Just Guys Baking Pies (epub)

A conversation with the Inlaws (html) A conversation with the Inlaws (epub)

Wheres The Foxtrot (epub) Wheres The Foxtrot (html)

Whats in a Name (epub) Whats in a Name (html)

Actually I Do Make the Rules:
  1. Mama Bittle’s Rule Number One
    Mama Bittles Rule Number (epub) Mama Bittles Rule Number (html)
  2. Halo Violations and Protective Holding
    Halo Violations and (epub) Halo Violations and (html)
  3. Equal Protection: School Rules
    Equal Protection School (epub) Equal Protection School (html)
  4. Rule Number Two
    Rule Number Two (epub) Rule Number Two (html)
  5. Broken Rules
    Broken Rules (epub) Broken Rules (html)
  6. Healing Rules
    Healing Rules (html) Healing Rules (epub)
  7. Jody Burke (epub) Jody Burke (html)
  8. Ashley Burton (epub) Ashley Burton (html)
  9. Requisite Holding (epub) Requisite Holding (html)

Yuri on Ice:

  1. Lost in Translations
    Lost in Translations (epub) Lost in Translations (html)
  2. Translations Over Distance
    Translations Over (epub) Translations Over (html)
  3. Translations: Initiations
    Translations Initiations (epub) Translations Initiations (html)
  4. Translations: Elongations
    Translations Elongations (epub) Translations Elongations (html)
  5. Translations: Terminations and Transitions
    Translations (epub) Translations (html)
  6. Transition: Puberty
    Transition Puberty (epub) Transition Puberty (html)
  7. Transition: The Leap
    Transition The Leap (epub) Transition The Leap (html)
  8. Transitions: Landings
    Transitions Landings (epub) Transitions Landings (html)
  9. Transition: Coming Out
    Transition Coming Out (html) Transition Coming Out (epub)
  10. Transition: Questioning
    Transition Questioning (epub) Transition Questioning (html)

JAG

Making Fate (epub) Making Fate (html)

Star Trek: Discovery

mother i climbed (html)

Skyrim

Warning to the Dragonborn (html)

Castle

Therapy (epub) Therapy (html)

Worth the Wait (epub) Worth the Wait (html)

Stargate: SG1

  1. Finding Klein (html) Finding Klein (epub)
  2. The Right Place at the Right Klein  (html) The Right Place at the Right Klein (epub)
  3. A Stitch in Klein (epub) A Stitch in Klein (html)

Story notes for Chapters 7-9 of Healing Rules

There’s not enough room on AO3 in the notes section, so I’m putting this here.

Series: Actually, I Do Make the Rules

Story: Healing Rules

Chapter 7

Note from 2017: Okay, my god. So, so many things have happened since last I worked on this. I mean, Jesus. The election. Yuri on Ice and 200k worth of words over there (and as will surprise no one) I’m back over here working on this while the thing I’m working on there is percolating. Distract me enough and the original stuff I was working on becomes the distraction. And I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, because obviously I need one more thing. Two more things, as I seem to be developing small fiber neuropathy. I’m now on my fifth RA drug this year. And I started publishing my original web series at Lonstory.com. So that’s all very exciting (please for the love of god go read it, it’s free.) Meanwhile, the plot for this has never let me go, so those who were worried about whether I’d finished this? Yes. I will.

If it wasn’t for the chapter titles, this would be a separate story. I’m writing it in almost every way separate from that which has gone before. When we left our people, Bitty had left Samwell at the start of his senior year, Shitty was thinking about leaving law school and moving to a tropical island with Lardo, Jack was doing his thing, and Theo’s dad had been found, introduced, and turned out to be a good guy. It was September 3, 2016.
Where I’m picking this up is not that far after, but sometimes the world changes overnight, and you don’t realize until later that there was a line in the sand that you crossed. There was, for them, the off-season, where Jack was mostly home and Bitty was getting his feet under him, and then there was hockey. Oh. And a little matter of an election. (Also, I wrote everything prior to the October 3 segment in this chapter before the last batch of Year Three dropped.)

I tried to work on this in 2020. Lol.

Mid 2022: Since I last seriously worked on this, um, a lot has happened, both personally and politically. I’m finally stable on my 15th RA drug, but stable is not “cured”. And that’s about enough said of that.

The reason this wasn’t done sooner was Trump, the same way the reason I can’t work on YOI right now is Putin, in most simplistic terms. One of the reasons, anyway. Between Trump and the pandemic I think it’s pretty easy to see how the optimism which permeated the rest of this could have taken a hit, but this story, specifically, hits harder on a personal level.

Rereading Broken Rules was like a kick to the gut, personally. The idea that it might be possible to dearly love a teenager and be unable to meet their needs in your own home… In retrospect, I was just barely starting to grapple with my failing health and the deteriorating situation with my middle child. Without going into too much detail about her medical situation, I will say that she was 11 when I was writing this, and I was nowhere near as disabled as I am now, and we were still regularly running into enormous needs conflicts. Things like, “I cannot take my own child to the bus without feeling like I’m going to puke on the way back and she’s not safe to do it by herself for developmental reasons that are in no way her fault.”

She is now 17, in therapeutic foster care, in a family with no younger children, with a highly skilled foster mom who is honestly amazing and so good with her, who is not disabled herself. She is better off there than she was here, with more opportunities (especially because I’m immune suppressed and she desperately needs the stimulation of other people) to travel and do sports and have a life which meets more of her needs than we could. I’m better off with her there, the stress level is so much lower, and my youngest is capable of wearing a high quality mask and doesn’t need to go-go-go the way she does, so the immune risk with him is much lower than it would have been with her.

And it doesn’t matter how much I tell myself those things, she’s still the baby who I fought to keep alive against huge odds (we were told she had a 70% chance of dying before age 2 when she was diagnosed), still the child I nurtured at my breast and carried on my back and if you’d told me before she was born that I could ever let one of my kids go live with someone else at age 14 I wouldn’t have believed you. It doesn’t matter how impossible it would be to bring her home (we see her, and talk to her regularly, but she has not been in this house since) my heart knows someone is missing.

I used to have a very busy house full of people, and now it is just the three of us, my husband, my son, and me, and it’s very quiet, and calm, and there are few emotional disturbances, and I don’t have to deal with very much drama and yet part of me deeply misses the people who have fallen away.

My health could not take the stress. My heart is still aching. And this story so far has come from a tremendously optimistic place that I don’t live in anymore.

But from the beginning, I knew what these chapters would be about, and a huge part of it is about finding positive things to do in response to terrible, realistic fear. Maybe now, with my life calm, and the stirrings of movement, finally, in a better direction than we’ve been, maybe now is the time for that story. I’ll do my best.

Late 2022:
Recently someone close to me needed help, and our house is not so quiet anymore because I just couldn’t, rattling around in this large house, turn a blind eye to a parent and child in need.

So our house is full again, and I regret nothing. It is a gift to watch people unfold from constant struggle into safety. It costs so little to be kind.

This has been ridiculously hard to make myself write. The combination of not wanting to think about 2016, being entirely over the whole fictionalized wedding writing, and grieving the fact that I may never be able to go to another event or party (I caught covid and flu this year at the same time, going to the grocery store, despite being fully vaccinated and wearing an N95) made it very difficult to write this story.

Also, this fic raised $110 for Fandom Trumps Hate, specifically for the Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund. I encourage people to support this organization, especially now when trans rights are under attack in so many ways and so many places. Thanks to PathsofPassion and Anyawen for both, independently, asking “Can my prompt be for you to write another chapter/finish Healing Rules?” Now that I’m finished, I’m glad I said yes.

I probably won’t be doing FTH this next year, but if you have a pressing desire for a specific prompt and are willing to donate to charity about it, it doesn’t hurt to ask.

An open letter to PE teachers from someone who was an EDS kid

One of the first thoughts I had on getting a diagnosis of EDS, was that I wish I could tell my PE teachers. 

From as far back as I remember, I was terrible at running. I got tired easily. If I pushed to keep up with the class, I invariably sprained something. I was accused many times of “making it up because I didn’t want to run.”

I wanted, desperately, to be able to keep up. What I would have needed at that age in order to do so would have been very specific wrapping of knee and ankle joints and coaching on stride. 

But that still wouldn’t have addressed the POTS issue. See, even later, as an adult, even as a heavy adult, my blood pressure has run low. The last time I was fit it was running 90/50 on the regular. I’m completely sedentary now due to other health issues, but it rarely gets over about 120/70, despite a significant weight gain. I would get lightheaded and have to sit down, I still do, and it would come at unexpected times, because at the heart of it POTS and EDS affect autonomic regulation. My temperature drops and rises at odd times. My circulation is sometimes great and sometimes horrible. Stress (and especially people yelling) shuts things down. 

Swimming was better exercise for me, both because of the pressure of the water and the horizontal nature of it. But I could do things like weight lifting and jumping jacks, if people gave me enough time and gentle encouragement (or just didn’t yell.)

Most of the injuries I had relative to PE came because someone was yelling at me or berating me for not keeping up. It was not until I was getting PE waivers for being on swim team that I started actually enjoying exercise. As an adult, when I’ve been healthier (One of the issues with EDS is that it makes one more prone to a host of other illnesses, in my case, rheumatoid arthritis) I have been very fit indeed. Stairs were easier than flats. Walking is better than running. 

I used to wrap my ankles and then get yelled at for “doing it for the attention.” I didn’t want attention, I was an odd duckling of a 13 year old, I didn’t want anyone to look at me, but the wraps made my ankles feel better. Also, if my ankles were wrapped, people were less likely to yell at me to run, and I was SO bad at running. 

So I didn’t wrap them enough. And by the time I was in my 40s, I was falling a lot due to unstable ankle joints. And now I’m in a wheelchair a significant part of the time, because of the fall risks. 

The best thing we can do for kids with EDS is to learn to avoid damage, strengthen the core, and listen when they tell us something is too much. Because learning to listen to their bodies is the best chance they have at keeping function longer. 

“No pain, no gain” is not useful for people with EDS. In us, pain usually equals damage. Find other ways to fitness, and tailor the fitness goals to what will help the child. Strengthening the muscles that support the core, ankles, knees and shoulders. Don’t push flexibility beyond comfort, EVER, because EDS kids are already too flexible. Gentle exercise will always be better than pushing to the limit. Preserving joint function over time will give incalculable benefits for lifetime fitness.

Mmmmm, Donuts.

So, playing around with my recipe, I decided to splurge on a donut pan, nonstick. This recipe will make 6 donuts AND an 8×8 pan of brownies, or 12 cupcakes. Whatever you feel like.

Assuming you divide the recipe into 12 servings, this ends up having:
Calories: About 200
Fat: About 16 grams
Total carbs: About 24 grams
Fiber: About 4.5 grams
Sugar: just under a gram
Sugar alcohols: Just over 16.5 grams (Erythritol, which bothers my gut not at all, YMMV)
Net carbs: Just over 2.5 grams.
Protein: Almost 7.5 grams
This means you can eat one at any given meal with negligible effect on blood sugar, but if you binge enough, you’ll spike. Most of the net carbs are in the almond flour. I strongly recommend against subbing splenda, which not only usually contains carbohydrate fillers, but throws my entire ability to cope with any other carbs out of whack. The fat, fiber and protein content buffer the small amount of remaining carbohydrates.

ON to the recipe!

  • Blanched, finely ground almond flour, 2.5 cups
  • Dutch Process Cocoa, .5 cup
  • Lakanto Monkfruit Sweetner (the kind with erythritol) 1 cup, but reserve several tablespoons for dusting the pans
  • Double acting baking powder, 1 tablespoon
  • scant half teaspoon salt (or a hearty pinch, not strictly necessary if using salted butter)
  • 2 eggs, separated (I used pretty large, nonstandard eggs, if your eggs are small, use three. If you want a lighter recipe, add an extra white.)
  • 1 cup unsweetened almond milk (vanilla is fine, coconut is fine, any low carb, unsweetened nut milk is going to do well here.)
  • You’re going to need 4 oz or half a Kerrygold brick of butter, total, roughly, but only 6 tablespoons of that go into the mix, melted. The rest gets used to grease the pan, and make topping if you like. Follow the markers on the butter label if using a different brand. Sub coconut oil or a liquid oil if making nondairy. Recipe tested with salted butter, came out only slightly salty but I like that.
  • Ground Flax (I use golden): .25 cup
  • A little extra cocoa for dusting

This is a “lot of bowls but still pretty easy” recipe.

Start by preheating your oven to 400F

Then grease whatever pans you’re going to use. The rest of the recipe assumes 12 standard cuppins. (Are they muffins because they have lots of fiber and are low carb? Or are they cupcakes because they taste like tender brownies? Muffcakes sounds much, much worse.) Use a nonstick pan and PLENTY of butter or cooking spray. You do not want these to stick or you will be spooning them out of the pan, sadly. Liners aren’t great with these unless silicone, but they won’t brown as well on the edge.

Add a little cocoa and a few spoons of that cup of sweetener to a dish and mix them with a fork, then dust them over the greased pans.

Put 2 cups of almond flour in a large mixing bowl. Plan to add up to a half cup more as needed. Add the cocoa, the rest of the sweetener, baking soda and salt, and mix everything with a whisk or sift or push through a screen until the lumps are gone.

Melt your butter in 15 second bursts until just melted through.

While that’s happening, separate your eggs and put the yolks in one bowl and the whites in a bowl large enough to mix. I used an old-fashioned egg beater with a manual crank and it took, ehhhh 2 minutes of not a lot of work to get soft peaks. A whisk takes me closer to 5 minutes and an electric mixer would take about a minute but then you have to clean the thing. I think a stand mixer would take -5 minutes but then add the 20 minutes of getting my husband to get it from the difficult to get it from place and it’s just not worth it. My kid loves our little old fashioned egg beater.

Anyway, get the whites to soft peaks, and set aside while you mix the almond milk, the ground flax and the egg yolks (you want the almond milk and ground flax together before you lump everything in, for better texture. I tried mixing the ground flax with the dry ingredients and let’s just say it benefits from the extra wet time if you mix it with the wet.

Add  the butter to the egg yolk mixture and make sure the whole thing is mixed. A fork will do it, a whisk will do it, this is not a fussy recipe use what you have.

Don’t wait too long to add all that to the dry mix. If it’s too thin, add more almond meal. I think about 2 and 1/3 cups are probably about right, but these things probably vary based on humidity. You want it a nice mud-pie consistency, so that if you, for example, got fancy and used an ice cream scoop to put things into the cupcake tin, they would hold their shape for a bit, but not in the oven.

Give the eggwhites one last beat and then fold them gently in with the rest of the mixture.

If donuts, and a 6 donut tray, put about half the batter into a ziplock bag, cut the corner of the bag off (not too small, an inch opening is not too large) and seal the bag, then pipe the batter into the donut wells.

If muffins, a standard ice cream scoop is pretty convenient except you’ll have to short each one a little to make 12, but they puff up just enough that you won’t mind.

If 8×8 tray, just spread it out, don’t fuss at it to be level, it will mostly level itself. (Later, cut it in the pan and expect that first one to be a cook’s sacrifice until you have enough room to get a spatula under the rest to get them out neatly. They’re pretty tender.)

Bake for at LEAST 20 minutes and probably closer to 25 minutes, or until they test done, or feel reasonably resistant to being poked. Don’t burn your fingers.

Allow to cool.

Top as desired, I just wanted donuts so I didn’t get fancy.

Coffee Cake and Pandemics

We’ve been inside for way too long, and no end in sight, because of my level of risk factors. I asked my mom for this recipe, because I’m Going To Alter It At Some Point, but in the meantime those who can eat wheat and sugar should have the opportunity to try it. We’ve been making this coffee cake since I was small, and one of my earlier cooking tasks was to roll the little bits of butter in sugar. I ate more than a few of them before the cake ever got into the oven. Mom always called this Mace Cake. It’s adapted from a James Beard cookbook. (I’ve modernized the instructions.)

So, here you go:

  • 1 1/2 cup minus 2 tablespoons flour
  • 2 teaspoons double acting baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon mace
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1 beaten egg
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 3 tablespoons melted butter
  • butter and sugar for topping
  • extra cinnamon or mace for the top

Preheat your oven to 400 F

Butter an 8×8 pyrex or corningwear baking pan. Be generous, the butter helps make a really delightful edge piece.

Set a small child or other helper if you’ve got ’em to rolling little bits of butter (they were the size of my pinky fingertip when I was little, so ehhh pencil eraser sized?) in sugar. If they finish first, stick the sugared butter bits in the fridge until you’re done if the kitchen is warm.

Sift the dry ingredients together, make a little well in the middle of the pile

Pour in the wet ingredients into the well, and then beat everything until smooth.

Pour the batter into the greased pan and dot the top with the little butter bits. The number and placement of these is completely subjective, but personally I like them spaced every inch or even more frequently. Ask your kids to calculate the number you need, if there are none at the edges and your pan is 8×8 and they are placed every inch.

Sprinkle a little cinnamon over the top, or more mace.

Bake for 25 minutes, until golden brown and puffy. The top should be pretty crisp from the extra butter and sugar.

Serve warm, with coffee.

 

I’m planning on trying this with almond flour and monkfruit/erythritol sweetener, in well-buttered muffin tins.

 

 

match being held pinched between finger and thumb is burning at both ends

Words for those newly diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis

Rheumatoid Arthritis is a big, serious thing, that a lot of people don’t understand very well, and which looks terrifying once you do understand it. The important thing to remember is that it is treatable, and treatment can drastically improve how you feel day to day. I’ve had bad treatments that made me worse, and I’ve had treatments that gave me my life back for a while. I have some days with little pain. This may feel like the end of the word, but it isn’t. That said…

Do what you need to make it work for you. Lots of people will tell you lots of things, and all I know is that the reason so many treatments exist is because not every person gets sick in the same way, and not every treatment works for every person. There are lots of good options, and if one isn’t working, it’s okay to switch to another. In fact, it’s best to switch, because there are dozens of options, and it may take some time to find the right one for you.

Diet may help, but it is an answer, not the answer. Exercise may help, but only if you can do it without increasing your damage. Medications may help, but not if they’re making you sicker. If something is making you worse, it’s time to change.The best thing you can do is form a healthy connection with your caregiver and keep researching to know what your options are.

Any advice I give you is going to come from what works for me, and I know that my situation and your situation may have commonalities but they are not identical. It’s okay for you to find something that works for you that didn’t work for me, or for you to not like something that I do like. The important thing is to keep the damage to a minimum, and make you as comfortable as possible.

Here’s a list of things I’ve tried:

Gluten free: For me, this is essential but mostly because I’m allergic to wheat and get migraines. Worth trying for 6-8 weeks, then adding wheat back in and seeing if things change. Don’t let that process stop you from trying other things.

Low carb: Mostly for me this is a response to steroid-induced diabetes. Some people find it helpful.

NSAIDS: Great if you can take them, but will never be your only option, and many people stop being able to take them after a while. I can’t take them at all.

DMARDS: “Disease modifying anti-rheumatoid drugs”

Steroids: Best done for short periods if possible, frequently used for flares) Medrol has marginally fewer side effects than Prednisone due to less impact on the liver. Prednisone is the default.

Methotrexate: Usually a stepping stone, injections have fewer side effects than pills, can be pretty miserable, works for a few people, insurance may require you start here. Tell doctor immediately if it’s making you worse. If it’s not making you better, they may add a biologic.

Leflunomide (Arava): Better tolerated than methotrexate for many, more expensive, works for some, most often used in conjunction with other meds. Pay attention to your peripheral nerves, this drug can cause tingling and numbness in your feet and hands and nobody talks about it except the package insert.
Plaquenil, hydroquinolone: I couldn’t do these because allergies, but they are common and work well for some people. Can be used with biologics I believe.

Biologics:

There are a lot of them, they are obscenely expensive, most companies will pay your copay for you so don’t let the price stop you at first glance.

Tumor necrosis factor inhibitors (TNF) are the first big group and the one most people start with. There are versions created from non-human sources and versions created from human cell lines. The latter may bet tolerated better if the others fail. Your insurance may require you to move through these in order. You do not have to fail every drug in the category for your doctor to decide to try a drug in a different category.

Some examples I’ve personally dealt with include:
Enbrel: Injectable, helped me 4 days per week, was given once a week, probably would have stuck it out if they’d been able to dose it higher.
Remicade: Infusion in the doctor’s office: It sort of kept things to a dull roar, but wasn’t great.
Simponi Aria: This was terrific while it lasted, but when I went off it for a surgery, I had a bad systemic reaction that was not understood quickly when I went back on. Many biologics are big complex molecules the body will turn on if given a chance. I’m still sad about this one.

So failing 3 TnF inhibitors, my doctor shifted me to a Janus Kinase inhibitor:

Xeljanz was terrific during the 3 weeks it overlapped with my simponi aria, and mediocre for the next year, and made me vulnerable to a lot of infections.

Rinvoq is in the same class and did not help.

Note that Xeljanz and Rinvoq are not as likely to promote the immune reaction that the others are, because they are smaller molecules taken orally. “JAX inhibitors” is what they’re usually called.

I’m now on Orencia, which is another infusion, but it blocks a different pathway. mumble mumble T cells? B cells? I forget. Anyway, it’s a fast infusion, takes a few weeks to work. I’m like ehhh 12 days out and just starting to have more energy and less pain.

My doctor says we have two more major categories to try if I fail this one. If that happens, we may start doing some mix-and-match that wouldn’t normally be recommended (in part because I had terrific responses to being on a TNF inhibitor and a JAX inhibitor at the same time, but that increases cancer and infection risks.)

Herbals and other things

There are herbal medications which can help, but they are generally not sufficient alone.

CBD: Many people report this being effective for pain, but there is a HUGE caution if you are on blood thinners or drugs with a liver pathway for clearance, as CBD interferes strongly with multiple liver pathways. We actually did blood tests to demonstrate this in me personally and it made my anticoagulation levels increase. You need to compare every drug you’re on to CBD if you’re going to use it.

Turmeric
Tart cherry
Ginger
Black pepper
and a wide variety of other fruits, vegetables, spices and herbs can all help lower your inflammation levels. Fish oil (but better to eat salmon, sardines, oysters) can also help. These are no cure–I was literally on them when I got sick, but I’ve had days without these things and days with and I prefer the days with.

I take milk thistle and dandelion to help stabilize my liver and help it cope with everything I throw at it.

I take CoQ10 to help with inflammation, among other things.
I take magnesium to help keep everything more relaxed.
I take vitamin D because I live in Oregon.
I take Alpha GPC and Citicholine because they help make my brain make better neurotransmitters.

You will hear things like “Sugar is the enemy!” and “Plants only!” and other people saying, “You must go paleo!” or “Keto is the only way.”

All I know is that I need food to live, sugar makes me feel bad, sometimes vegetables and meats do too, and there are days when life is not worth living if I can’t have a goddamn sandwich with mayo. I try not to eat foods that taste like future pain. I try to keep my relationship with food civil.

Physical therapy and osteopathic adjustments are the things that save my life right now. Because a lot of times those practitioners can figure out what’s hurting, figure out why it’s hurting, and fix it. Not all pain is the same, and if they can get rid of most of it, the rest of it is easier to cope with.

Get the assistive devices you need to cope with your worst days. For some people that’s a cane or a walker. For me it’s a lightweight power wheelchair I can load in and out of my car myself. It might be a power recliner with a lift function. It might be The Right Electronics (I can do a whole nother talk about this). It might be putting an adjustable bed in the place you spend the most social time. If you’re not leaving your house because it’s too hard, it’s time to look at things that will make it easier.

Always have one more tool in your toolkit, if you can, and try to avoid using that last tool except in emergencies. For some people that tool will be alcohol, or muscle relaxants. For me, it’s oxycodone. I have a bottle with a few pills that I keep locked away and when the pain is bad enough that I can’t sleep, I take just enough to allow me to sleep. Knowing it’s there helps me not reach for it too often. If you’re reaching for your last tool too often, you probably need to talk to your doctor about switching meds or looking at what’s damaged.

When you are on these medications, you need to take infections seriously. You will be in the doctor’s office more. You will need more antibiotics. I have floating prescriptions for as-needed fluconozole for yeast and famicyclovir for shingles/cold sores. We know which antibiotics I tolerate. They give me tamiflu at the drop of a hat, or at least, at the drop of “anyone in my circle tested positive for flu.” Your family needs to take these things seriously and they need to work hard to wash their hands, cover their coughs, get their flu shots, and avoid people with known flu. You’re not likely to just drop dead of an infection without warning, but seemingly trivial toenail infections can get severe quickly, and my doctor thanks me if I come in on the very first day of them. Treated masks are you friend on airplanes and in large public places. Gloves help in flu season. Wash your hands a lot and don’t rely on hand sanitizer.

One thing to be aware of is that things which actually “boost the immune system” may not be your friend. But they may be necessary if you get sick. For example, elderberry syrup seems to boost tumor necrosis factor. This makes it directly very helpful for influenza specifically. Anti-TNF drugs can make us get a lot sicker with the flu. If you’ve just had your 8 week infusion and get sick, you need to be aware that taking something like elderberry acts almost as an antidote for your fancy, expensive drug.

And this can be life saving with influenza. You will learn to prioritize. Not-dying of infection trumps treating RA trumps “being all natural.” So sometimes we use the tamiflu and elderberry syrup because dying of flu would suck, and just know that we may need steroids to cover the flare that’s going to come after.

If this all seems like a crazy balancing act? It is. It’s not easy. But eventually someone’s going to figure out how to turn our immune systems off, reformat the hard drive, reload a clean operating system and cover us with antivirus protection* until the new immune system kicks in, and this will be a whole different ballpark. Give it 10-15 years.

*By which I mean: there is a therapy being devised for MS to “turn off” the immune system, which would then be replaced by naive stem cells which would regrow into a new immune system. Providing human immunoglobulin for a time to help prevent illness while the new immune system gets established would be extremely helpful.

And hey, if they get good enough with CRISPR, those new naive stem cells might have been reprogrammed with the genetic risk factors for RA removed. It could happen.

I keep telling my doctor that this immune system is broken and I want a new one, but the only way to do that with current technology is by bone marrow transplant, and knowing me, I’d get graft vs. host disease because that’s just the kind of unlucky I am.

But theoretically this could not only fix my RA, but sjogren’s syndrome and the majority of my food allergies. With CRISPR, it could even fix my genetic coagulapathies.  I’m not desperate enough for a bone marrow transplant. Yet. 

Photo credit: Image by Myriam Zilles from Pixabay

This image is of a tweet by @ilovevictuuri, which I responded to, screenshot, posted to tumblr, screenshot, posted to facebook, screenshot, and posted back to twitter.

The Media Chain (a filk)

to the tune of “The Rattlin’ Bog” because how could it possibly be to the tune of anything else?

Hi ho, the Tumblr blog,
The blog linked from my web page,
Hi ho, the Tumblr blog,
The blog linked from my web page.

Now on the blog there was a tweet,
A rare tweet, a screenshot tweet,
A tweet on the blog,
And the blog linked from my web page.

Hi ho, the Twitter blog,
The blog linked from my web page,
Hi ho, the Twitter blog,
The blog linked from my web page

And on that Tweet there was an image,
A rare image, a FaceBook image,
Facebook on the Tweet, and the Tweet on the blog,
And the blog linked from my web page

Hi ho, the Facebook image,
Could have been my web page,
Hi ho, the Facebook image,
Could have been my web page.

And on that image there was a post,
A rare post, a WordPress post,
A post in the image, FaceBook on the Tweet, and the Tweet on the blog,
And the blog that IS my web page.

Hi ho, the WordPress blog,
The blog that IS my web page,
Hi ho, the WordPress blog,
The blog that IS my web page.

Now on that blog, there were some words,
Blog words, they’re my own words
My words on the blog, the blog on my page, screenshot on facebook, then posted to Twitter, then on to Tumblr…
With no links to my web page.
[spoken](Or my Tumblr, or my Twitter, or my FaceBook, but that’s the internet for you.)

Hi, ho, the media chain,
The media chain on the internet,
Hi, ho, the media chain,
The media chain on the internet.

(Please include attribution. In this case, jenrose.com)

This image is of a tweet by @ilovevictuuri, which I responded to, screenshot, posted to tumblr, screenshot, posted to facebook, screenshot, and posted back to twitter.

Commentary:

People often screenshot posts that are useful or amusing to them. I understand the inclination. In my case, though, I go out of my way to make it really easy to share the actual words. On my website, every article has a widget to share to multiple services. On my Tumblr, if you go to the post on my page, there will be a share widget.

Why is it better to use actual links to actual words, rather than a picture of those words? At the most basic level, it’s good manners. If I put a share widget on my post, I don’t mind you sharing a link to that post with the widget. It’s super easy to do, just click the button, follow directions. Takes about a second if you’re signed into whatever service you’re blogging to.

Screenshots are copyright violations, especially in this context. I don’t make money off my website(which is irrelevant to the legality of it,) but I do like to know people are reading my stuff. So it matters to me that they know where it came from.

Now am I going to sue? Not likely. Does it deprive me of a little light at a hard time of year, when my health is really poor? Yeah. If people are sharing my words because they matter, and talking about them, and they do it on a screenshot I don’t know exists, I don’t know I helped them. That matters.

But there’s a deeper issue. I write words in a format that is very easy for screen readers to parse, which means that my articles should be easy to access for a blind person using a screen reader. Your images? Don’t mean anything for them. I often write about accessibility issues, issues for neurodivergent people, and the profound irony of my words being shared inaccessibly is irritating.

I don’t always have the energy to put pictures up with what I’ve written, so they may not catch as many eyes, because I’m not trying to clickbait people in for ad dollars. That doesn’t mean you should just put all my words into pictures.

And if you absolutely must, for the love of viral kittens, please link back to where you got it. And maybe where they got it. Tag me. I don’t mind.

This post prompted by finding multiple posts that followed meandering paths through Twitter, Tumblr, FaceBook and back again, with some digressing stops for commentary on Reddit and YouTube. I’m glad y’all are talking. I wish that it wasn’t something I stumbled on by accident. (Very weird to have a friend repost my words from a screenshot from a social media venue I’m not on, and say, “Oh, that’s me.”)

Please share. Just don’t leave me out of the loop, and please don’t leave accessibility considerations out of the loop.

Screenshot original post was by IWriteVictuuri

How to Shift Away from Amazon (and why I bother)

I started shopping at Amazon very early in its existence. I adored the convenience even when it was mostly just books and music. My not-yet husband, back in 2001, invested in Amazon when it was very cheap to do so. As the business expanded I got Prime, I had years when all our Christmas presents came from there, and by 2016, most of our recurring household goods purchases, many clothing purchases and 97% of the miscellaneous gewgaws of living were coming from there. It is safe to say that we spent thousands of dollars per year buying from Amazon.

I was not easy with the stories of the warehouse conditions. I was even less happy with the avoidance of local taxes and efforts to sabotage efforts to shore up Seattle’s awful housing situation for people who aren’t wealthy. I have enough friends in the area that I know things can get very expensive and very crowded, and that Amazon is a contributor to that problem.

I saw the back and forth between Amazon and publishers and was dismayed.

As a writer, when I could still imagine working with Amazon, it looked like a good way to connect to readers. Now? I’d rather not publish than publish through Amazon.

The biggest feather on the scale? Was the ten ton brick that was finding out that Amazon had marketed Rekognition realtime facial recognition software to ICE.

Hubby had already sold our Amazon stock by that time.

But that was the point where I cancelled our substantial subscribe and save order, and started looking elsewhere for literally anything we wanted to buy.

It wasn’t as hard as I expected. Still not quite as convenient, but at least I don’t have that pit in my stomach of “Am I working with a company that actively courts the Gestapo?”

I’m not boycotting, exactly. I’m not saying, “NO ONE SHOULD EVER BUY FROM AMAZON EVER FOR ANY REASON.”

For one thing, there are people who depend on Amazon and Amazon’s marketplace, servers and publishing resources for their livelihood, and for another, there are some things that simply cannot, as of yet, be purchased elsewhere (or if they can, cannot be delivered quickly enough in some circumstances.)

Amazon is harder to avoid than Nestle, and I’ve been avoiding Nestle for decades and am very good at it despite people proclaiming it “impossible”.

What I’m saying is that it was surprisingly not too complicated to buy elsewhere for most things.

I found clothing companies that fit me and that I like, and they still sell direct. (Woman Within and Target both have lines that fit my sensory issues, size and accessibility needs.)

Target has a lot of the miscellany that I used to get from Amazon, and they’re often cheaper and I can get there in my wheelchair, so the carbon footprint is smaller.

Best Buy has a lot of the minor electronics. Newegg has cables. Natural Grocers and Vitacost cover the vitamins and supplements. Costco covers a lot of the household goods.

I’m starting to look into alternatives to the kid’s kindle, because I’d like to stop with the Freetime subscription. Audiobooks and Prime (for streaming) are the last to go.

I’m not guilting myself about still having a few ties and occasionally needing to use Amazon, but we’ve gone from thousands of dollars per year to maybe a couple hundred, and if more people did that, the world would probably be a better place. Why?

Amazon is damaging the USPS. The FBI is actively using Rekognition even though facial recognition software is inherently racist and more likely to make mistakes with people of color. Jeff Bezos considers his profits “winnings” and in the most astonishing failure of imagination in history, says the only thing he can imagine spending his winnings on is space travel.

He doesn’t need any more money. Companies that aren’t Amazon need customers so they can employ more people (and hopefully treat them better.)

I’m not passionate about dragging people into boycotts. I know that my money is a drop in the bucket. But I can put it somewhere that doesn’t make me feel nauseated.

There is, of course, no perfect company. But I feel like Amazon has been actively trying to be evil, and thus they’ve joined the list of companies* I choose to avoid supporting.

It’s too bad.

I do still use the Amazon website. It’s decent for research, for finding items and finding review histories to a point. And then I look up those items and go elsewhere, which is the opposite of what it was at the beginning. Karma, really.

*I do not darken the door of Hobby Lobby, ever, for any reason. I do not purchase Nestle products if there is literally any other option available. I avoid Walmart most of the time, but sometimes they’re they only option. I have never and will never eat Chick Fil-a, and I no longer buy McDonalds but that’s mostly because I worked there when I was 15 and am now allergic to literally everything on the menu. I have never taken a Lyft or an Uber or stayed in an AirBnB. I recognize the privilege that I have in being able to avoid those things. But I expend very little effort on avoiding them, they’re just not on my person menu.

cheater gluten-free spinach lasagna

Work time about 15 minutes, cook time probably 80 minutes, less if you like chewy noodles

This recipe is free from gluten, egg, nuts, tomatoes and a bunch of other things that no one would ever put in lasagna anyway.

Size is flexible, we had some stuff left over with a 10×10 pyrex, you could probably do a 9×13 pan and be good with the following.

What you will need:
1 box gluten-free brown rice lasagna noodles. Tinkyada or similar. This would probably work okay with other noodles, but you need noodles that will absorb a lot of moisture. Do not pre-cook, or if you MUST, just cook them long enough to be a little flexible, do not cook them all the way. We’re going for easy.
1 quart tetrapack Imagine Portabello Mushroom Soup
2 boxes frozen chopped spinach, thawed to warm enough to squeeze in the microwave, squeezed and drained. Spinach water is not tasty, get rid of it.
1 pint ricotta (we used full fat organic valley)
12-18 oz sliced low-moisture mozzarella (or fresh, IDK and IDC, it would be good either way. A pound would be about right. Get it pre-sliced or this stops being easy.)

Layering order is key. You want the noodles and the cheese to bond and blend and all that nonsense. But you also need them to suck up a bunch of moisture from the soup.  You also don’t want this to stick.

If you like salt and pepper, use them, I’m not the boss of you. I hate pepper and no one likes as much salt as I need, so we have a salt-at-table policy. The soup has a fair amount of sodium already, I think.

SO, I am the boss of you when it comes to order.

Lasagna order of operations:
1. Cook spinach in microwave to warm enough to squeeze excess liquid out
2. Mix squeezed spinach with portabello soup
3. In a Pyrex (or whatever, baking) dish, cover the bottom with a very thin layer of sauce
4. Cover with 1 layer of uncooked lasagna noodles.
5. Pour 1/3 of the remaining soup over the lasagna noodles and spread evenly.
6. Put spoonfuls of ricotta (about half) over all the noodles. Just make little scoops with a regular spoon, and space ’em out a little.
7. Layer of mozz slices
8. Layer of noodles
9. Layer of sauce
10. Ricotta
11. Mozz? If sufficient for another layer after this
12. Noodles
13. Remaining sauce
14. Remaining Mozz

Bake at 350 until noodles are cooked through (fork should spear easily through the middle of the pan, 60-90 minutes. 375 or 400 would be fine too, but then watch for burning.)

You can add parm to the top layer if you really want, or browned, drained sausage, or shredded zucchini if you don’t have enough spinach, whatever, I don’t care, this is supposed to be done quickly and easily with what you have. Hell, you could use actual tomato sauce or alfredo, just make sure there’s enough liquid to cook the noodles.

It’s okay if you have extra sauce or noodles left over if you’re using a smaller pan. This is a forgiving recipe and probably wants to err on longer cooking and resting times. Can be a little too liquid if not cooked long enough, but very tasty regardless. Smells fantastic. If you want more zip, add hot sauce or pesto to individual portions after cooking.

On family apocrypha and genetic testing

So, we did a bunch of genetic testing a while ago. I got both 23 & me and Genes For Good done. My family had done 23 & me before me, so we were able to match up and compare a whole lot.

The weirdest part of it was that on first reading, while I came back 50% Ashkenazi Jewish, which is to be expected given my father’s background, I only had 49.9% of my genes in common with my mother. Quirks of testing years apart, probably, but still kinda odd.

Now you might assume from my 50% Ashkenazi that my father is 100% Ashkenazi Jew. Indeed, his mother was a Polish Jew born in the US shortly after her parents emigrated legally through Ellis Island. And his father was a “Russian” Jew, though the last place he and his mother lived in that part of the world was actually Ukraine. Growing up in the 70s and 80s people didn’t really distinguish much because it was all Soviet and they fled pogroms that came on the heels of the Revolution.

But his genetic profile showed less than 100% Ashkenazi, and a few tenths of a percent combined of Middle Eastern and North African.

The test proved that he is, in fact, my genetic parent.

Now on my mother’s side, when asked where our ancestors came from it was mostly England and western Europe, according to my mother’s mother, but that a few hundred years ago there might have been a French fur trapper and a Native American woman. That wasn’t the term she used.

None of that showed up. Mom came up 100% European. Was it probably a family story to make people feel better about their entitlement to be here? A chunk of her family came on the Mayflower or not long after, that seems… likely.

I don’t claim to be Native, nor do I claim to be Middle Eastern or African. But just because when we first looked, they had no markers for Africa on my genes, doesn’t mean that I’m not descended from the same people my father is descended from.

We only get pieces, but the lines of descent are still there.

And you’ll note that I said on first reading… It’s been a year or so… and they’ve refined the tests, and sure enough, I’m 0.2% African, with a tenth of a percent each from Northeast Africa and a tenth of a percent from broadly Sub-Saharan Africa. I think it’s one gene for really curly hair (but it only gets that curly at the back of my neck?) I’m the palest white person I’ve ever met. I would no more claim to be Black on the basis of that then I would claim to be neon green based on the fact that I occasionally dye my hair. It’s a curiosity, no more. Apparently Dad is .3% one flavor of “Broadly African” where I am .1% a different flavor of “Broadly African” but he’s the only one I could possibly get it from.

Mom comes up as like, .4% Iberian and I’m like 2.8% and Dad is none and yet they are my genetic parents… and the answer is “They got theirs done years before I did and the chip their results are on is not as complex or updatable as the one mine are on”

So we can infer some further detail for their results from my results.

On top of the mere mechanical issue of different technology over time, every test is hampered by the fact that in order to figure these markers out, we basically have to go by people who know where they’re from or who have lived there forever as far back as anyone remembers, and people have been traveling for as long as there have been people. The larger the sample size, the more information we have. And for a variety of reasons, people of Native descent do not have as large a sample size as they have a right to, nor the resources necessarily to spend money on a test,  and there has been so much crossing of genetic lines due to marriage, rape, and every other factor that makes humanity so diverse, that the tests for that lineage may never be as clear as people might like. There are Native people who have had their results come back anything but, but that doesn’t contradict their upbringing, their culture, their ancestry, it just means that like many marginalized and oppressed groups, too much has been lost to maintain accurate accountings over time.

When someone tells me they have a little Native blood, I don’t assume either way. I was told that, but it doesn’t change the fact that the vast majority of my ancestors on my mother’s side were colonizers and on my father’s side, refugees. They were all people who traveled very far to find hope and safety and freedom, and I try very hard to take what I have and make sure the path is clear beside me and behind me.

Long story short, genetics are complicated, are never the whole story (we only get half a story from each parent and so on,) and when it comes down to it, there’s little to be gained latching onto family apocrypha and crying foul when the data doesn’t match, when the data only has a small chance of proving the case even if the apocryphal ancestor actually existed.

Also, White* people make way, way too much of the whole genetic ancestry thing mattering at all. Which is part of the problem with racists who actively promote the idea of genetic superiority.

If you’re curious, my results:

European 99.8%
Ashkenazi Jewish 49.9%
British & Irish 27.1%
French & German 8.6%
Iberian (Spanish peninsula) 2.8%
Broadly Northwestern European 10.1%
Broadly Southern European 1.0%
Broadly European 0.4%
Sub-Saharan African 0.2%
(Broadly Northern East African 0.1%)
(Broadly Sub-Saharan African 0.1%)

*The reason I’m capitalizing white here is to be very specific about White Nationalists.

Long story short, if people are trying to make hay of someone claiming a small amount of ancestry they learned about through family stories (but not turning it up on a genetic result) as being evidence of anything at all about that person, they’re probably assholes.

Fork Theory

This is copied nearly verbatim from my Tumblr, from whence it managed to become Facebook viral.

Have I told y’all about my husband’s Fork Theory?

So the Spoon Theory is a fundamental metaphor used often in the chronic pain/chronic illness communities to explain to non-spoonies why life is harder for them. It’s super useful and we use that all the time.

But it has a corollary.

You know the phrase, “Stick a fork in me, I’m done,” right?

Well, Fork Theory is that one has a Fork Limit, that is, you can probably cope okay with one fork stuck in you, maybe two or three, but at some point you will lose your shit if one more fork happens.

A fork could range from being hungry or having to pee to getting a new bill or a new diagnosis of illness. There are lots of different sizes of forks, and volume vs. quantity means that the fork limit is not absolute. I might be able to deal with 20 tiny little escargot fork annoyances, such as a hangnail or slightly suboptimal pants, but not even one “you poked my trigger on purpose because you think it’s fun to see me melt down” pitchfork.

This is super relevant for neurodivergent folk. Like, you might be able to deal with your feet being cold or a tag, but not both. Hubby describes the situation as “It may seem weird that I just get up and leave the conversation to go to the bathroom, but you just dumped a new financial burden on me and I already had to pee, and going to the bathroom is the fork I can get rid of the fastest.”

From Tumblr reactions to this, we got a few new words and phrases, the best of which is probably “Forkupine”. The grand unification is “Spork theory”.
One person came up with a corollary of the corollary, a “dish” theory, about the idea of “load bearing supports”, i.e. things that help in case of lack of spoons, or things that protect you from being stuck by a fork.
Having words for a thing often makes it easier to cope.
This is not unlike the idea of the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I find it a more functional and hopeful metaphor, because it tells us that when the forks are removed, in whatever order, we can cope better. A broken back is a broken back, and implies helplessness.
ETA:
A couple people have asked if they can use the Fork Theory if they’re not (fill in whatever, I don’t care.)

The short answer is, “Of course.”

I’d like to just say that gatekeeping takes up too much energy, uses too many spoons and sticks forks in people.

Both hubby and I deal with chronic mental and physical health issues. Mine are more obvious–severe rheumatoid arthritis on top of a stack of other issues will do that to you. But “running out of spoons” happens even to people who do have the physical ability to exercise, for example. Just because someone starts out their day with more spoons, or bigger spoons, doesn’t mean they can’t run out. And EVERYONE has a fork limit.

This was designed to be a corollary, not a substitute, and I would not for a second limit who could use this idea. Everyone, disabled or not, has limits to what they can take.

In fact, the difference, in many cases, between an able-bodied person and a disabled person, between a person without mental health diagnoses and someone with mental health diagnoses is very small, and can be encompassed by one word.

The word?

YET.

You live long enough, life is going to throw trauma your way. You live long enough, you will experience disability.

And if you don’t, well, apparently you are terminally unlucky.

Seriously, gatekeeping this particular thing is a zero sum game and I really wish people wouldn’t. We need the curb cutter effect of able-bodied people understanding our metaphors. Of being able to shorthand something and have someone else go, “Ah, I understand.”

It’s tempting for me, with how disabled I am, how much more disabled I’ve been at times, to think, “Oh, no one could really understand how bad this is” with the undercurrent of (I assume I’m handling this badly compared to everyone else, but if I’m the only one feeling this way, and others don’t understand, then it’s not my fault.)

The fact of the matter is that disability is hard, and isolating and literally anyone who went through what I have gone through would have a hard time with it. I don’t have to feel guilty about not dealing very well with it.

My sister said to me once, and it stuck with me forever, “This shit is objectively hard.”

And yeah, RA is. Lupus is. Thyroiditis and Ehlers Danlos and allergies and asthma and sleep apnea and depression and isolation and dealing with the current political situation and worrying about money and stressing about jobs and kids and and and and… this stuff is hard. Lots of people can deal okay with a couple of issues, some people deal gracefully with some huge issues and most of us? Just muddle along doing our best and it would behoove us to assume that others are also trying.

We discover in our online communities commonality of experience, that we are not alone in our not-dealing-very-well, that when some people are dealing better it may be because they have more resources or know information that they can share with others.

If we forget that the reason we come together is for understanding, and start to shut people out… we’re just part of someone else’s bad day. And I’d rather not.

(Oh, and as for the knife theory, it’s pretty damn simple… in this context, knives are the things you bleed from when you pull them out, the things that make triggers, the lasting traumas, the actual aggression. They’re the things you may need medical or mental health attention to heal from.)

Xenophobia as Autoimmunity Writ Large

Autoimmunity is where the body starts attacking the body’s own systems, responding to the body’s own cells as if they were, for example, cancer or disease, when they are not. We need our immune system to fight off actual viruses, cancers, bacteria and parasites, but sometimes immune systems just aren’t that bright about what constitutes an actual danger and what just bears a passing resemblance to something dangerous.

Autoimmunity can be deadly, so in order to protect the body from the near constant attack from the immune system, we give people with autoimmune issues a variety of medications to either mitigate the effects of the attack (i.e. by replacing thyroid in people whose bodies have destroyed their thyroid gland, giving antihistamines to people who are having histamine responses to benign substances) or by wholesale turning off or inhibiting broad sections of the immune system with powerful immunosuppressants.

Disease can kill, too. Shut off too much of the immune system and the common cold can be deadly. It can take much longer to recover from illness. Finding a balance can be tricky, impossible, even. Sometimes we give steroids to reduce inflammation and dial back the immune system a bit–and our bodies create our own steroids when we are sick, so we need them, but too much and diabetes happens.

Moderating autoimmunity is difficult because threats do exist. It would be ideal if we could accurately dial back some responses and not others, or limit responses only to legitimate invaders, but the systems aren’t that easy to address on a granular level.

So when autoimmunity crops up, we try a multi-pronged approach, adjusting diet, supplements, exercise, and using medications judiciously, trying to find the balance that permits health in an unbalanced system.

Xenophobia, racism, homophobia, nationalism are all autoimmunity responses. The racist incorrectly classifies broad swaths of people as “other” and “toxic” and “dangerous” and responds with violent words and violent actions, feeling justified in the face of a danger from a whole section of our culture which is not, inherently, dangerous.

Ironically, both with bigotry and autoimmunity, the immune system responders and the bigots will often be so completely distracted by perceived threats that they do not respond to actual threats.

There is, in fact, more actual threat to your average working class white person from a handful of Republicans sitting in positions of power than there is from all of the Black people in this country put together. Even if you include actual criminals. (Some parts of the body are, in fact, cancer, or infected, but autoimmunity does not respond subtly, nor does racism.)

I don’t have an answer, but it’s a model that makes a lot of sense to me.

Then again, I’m biased. Rheumatoid arthritis is doing its level best to tear me apart. It’s not like I can exclude my joints from holidays, or march against the antibodies attacking my liver.

I need my immune system, but I really wish it would be more sensible and precise about what it targets. Likewise, we need people who are able to respond to crises and threat in productive ways, with skill, but we also need them to not manufacture threats where no threats exist, or attack our populace indiscriminately.

I hope that people can be more sensible than my immune system. I hope that people can train themselves to be better about correcting for bias.

With allergies, small exposures can reduce large reactions over time. We know that people who travel and make connections with people different from themselves are less likely to respond in pathological ways to cultural difference. Immune systems can, to a point, be trained.

The critical factor is to remember that all of us, all of humanity, are not the enemy. We are one body, constantly at war with itself.

But maybe, just maybe, we can train ourselves to stop.

Just to be clear

My gender is not open for debate, negotiation, discussion or outside opinions. If you do not live in this skin, you don’t get to have a say in my gender identity, period, and the ONLY thing your negative opinion can do is alienate me.
 
If I share with you the name I am considering changing my name to, feel honored that I trusted you with it, and don’t tell me what you think of it, I don’t care if you don’t like it, but if you say something negative I’ll think less of you for it.
 
My pronouns are they/them. I will start correcting people on this if they don’t correct themselves.
 
My sister calls me sibling. My kids still call me Mom. I refer to myself as my husband’s spouse. I’m still my niece’s aunt. I do not use woman, girl, she, her, wife or sister much anymore.
 
I DO understand that it takes time to adapt to change and that no one will be 100% on this stuff immediately, and if you slip I’m not going to be mad, but if you don’t even try, I probably won’t trust you very much.
 
This is not new. I’ve been struggling with the gender binary since childhood, I simply didn’t have the language to describe myself and my experience until the past few years. I came out as nonbinary about 3 years ago, give or take.
 
I’m not asking for your opinion. I’m asking for your support. You don’t have to understand in order to treat me with respect.

Gluten-free, Low Lactose Mac n Cheese

We never use boxed mac and cheese because the high lactose content makes me ill every time, but it’s just about easier to make it from scratch anyway.

This is one of the rare times I’m going to tell you that you really SHOULD use the non-wheat pasta even if you aren’t allergic to wheat.

Get a good quality brown rice pasta. Trader Joe’s penne or fusilli is ideal.
Cook until it is just past al dente, but not quite “squishy” (unless your kids prefer it that way, like I do).

While the pasta is cooking, set up your cheeses. Now, the easy/lazy way is to get already-grated cheeses (Trader Joe’s Smoky blend is FANTASTIC for this). Some people react to the natamycin in pre-grated cheese (we learned this the hard way.)

If you have the patience (and it doesn’t take much), slice up some good cheese. My favorite mix: 1-2 ounces of gorgonzola, 1-2 ounces of Dubliner, 1-2 ounces of gruyere, maybe some gouda and a few curls of real parmesan. It doesn’t have to be grated or even sliced very thin. This works best with about an ounce or two of cheese per cup of cooked pasta. It’s a LOT of cheese. For lactose intolerance, you want more aged cheeses. If you get headaches with blue cheese, avoid the gorgonzola.

Sliced cheddar or even American cheese can be used. This recipe is not fussy. Sharper cheddar will be better for lactose intolerance.

Remove portions for whoever doesn’t want cheese in theirs. I do this by dumping part of the pasta into a strainer. Do NOT get rid of all of the water by upending the whole pot into the strainer. You want to reserve the last 1/4 to 1/2 cup of liquid from cooking the rice pasta. (Rice starch makes the cheese emulsify better.) If you’re not comfortable eyeballing this, pour the last bit into a measuring cup and then measure it back into the pan.

With the little bit of cooking water in the pan, plus the noodles that you want cheesed, put it back over the burner and dump the cheese in, with a bit of butter if you like. Stir for a couple minutes. If you’re really ambitious, add a bit of seasoning, to taste. If you like smoky, smoked paprika, smoked salt…

This works as a side dish…but sneaky.. you can add veggies to it and already cooked (leftover? precooked chicken strips?) chicken and boom, meal. If your family likes canned salmon, a can of canned salmon (leave the bones in, they’re tasty and nutritious) works well too.

If you’re counting calories, you can use the Finlandia reduced fat cheese slices. Still tasty.

If you really want it to have the highest amount of omega 3, use Dubliner cheese, Kerrygold reserve cheddar, real Italian Parmigiano Reggiano, and grass-fed butter (kerrygold is all grass fed). Then it’s both decadent AND healthy, though quite calorific.

For those who want to avoid dairy, some reserved pasta can be topped with olive oil and fresh herbs, bruschetta… nutritional yeast can add a nice “buttery” note.

Why rice pasta? 1. It’s whole grain. 2. It tastes more like white pasta than whole wheat pasta does. 3. The rice starch in the cooking water makes for the best creamy mac and cheese sauce with the least work.

Sneaky gourmet: Wilt some chopped spinach into the pasta before you take it entirely off the heat, crumble in bacon, and stir in an egg or two for lots of protein and a quickie “carbonara” style pasta dish. Make sure you stir lots and leave it on low heat long enough for the egg to cook!

Egg is a great way to “save” an overly watery mac and cheese sauce. You just need to add it and stir quickly over low heat until it thickens the sauce. Don’t go slow, don’t use high heat, don’t try this when things have cooled down too much, you want the egg to cook just after it incorporates with the liquid you’re trying to thicken.

Carbonara is what I make for people who are having a hard time keeping their appetite up, don’t have energy to eat for very long and are healing from body trauma like birth or surgery. It doesn’t take much to get a lot of calories in, it tastes fantastic and triggers all the appetite buttons, and it has a phenomenal amount of protein.

This recipe is what I use for about half the birthdays in our house. Two bags of pasta for 6-8 people leave MAYBE enough leftovers for one kid’s school lunch the next day.

Bridges Falling

A tightly focused photo of a small piece of fudge sitting on a plane of fudge in a Pyrex baking dish. It is rich, brown chocolate.

Easy Vegan, Allergy-friendly Chocolate Fudge

I haven’t done fudge in years because it’s a sugar bomb, but it occurred to me that my eldest, who is dairy/soy/egg/peanut/wheat allergic, might never have had actual fudge in 24 years and that’s just wrong.  Fudge is one of the simplest things to make, and with the advent of canned sweetened condensed coconut milk, it’s now possible to make this traditionally dairy-laden dessert completely vegan, without compromise.

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Sexual Harassment: Now You See It. Why didn’t you before?

A black and white image of empty theater seats, curving at an angle away from the viewer

sexual harassment accusations are emptying a lot of seats

Red Flags and Shock Fatigue

Sexual harassment is bringing down a lot of people’s heroes. Not so many of mine.

The only Woody Allen movie I’ve ever managed to sit all the way through was Antz.

I feel about him the way I do about tempeh. Other people have ordered tempeh and told me, “Oh, this is the best tempeh I’ve ever had!” and I’ve tried a bite, and honestly? Tempeh tastes like rot to me, and not in a good way.

I tried to watch Annie Hall, and not very far in, something in my stomach churned, and I turned it off and watched something else. I don’t even remember at what point that happened in the movie, or what triggered it.

Sometimes very good storytellers have a skewed view of the world, and those of us who see the skew recoil from the stories. Not every well-told story is good. When the allegations against him came out, something in me breathed a sigh—not of relief, just a momentary, “Of course”— as I finally got an explanation for an instinctive recoil.

We’ve known about him for years. He keeps making movies. I keep not watching them. Will the known abusers now face consequences?

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Cheap Cooking Basics: Chicken Dinner

Super short instructions here. Long explanation below.

You’re going to chop up a bunch of veggies and put them in a pan and put a raw, seasoned chicken on top, breast-side up. That goes in the oven with a bunch of oiled potatoes on the top rack above it, and baked for 45-60 minutes depending on the size of the bird. It takes us about 5 minutes to get this meal in the oven, maybe 10 if we chop celery. The leftovers are going to get used in a variety of tasty meals.

If you don’t know how to cook, you should keep reading. This may seem overwhelming (or too basic) but this is written with an assumption that you don’t really have a lot of experience or background in the kitchen.

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Drinking Games as Coping Measures

So, drinking games are a super bad idea in reality, if done with alcohol, and probably literally no one should ever actually do that, because it can be actually dangerous.

THAT SAID… the concept of sussing out the tropes in advance and mentally taking a swig whenever a doozy comes up?

Is incredibly useful as a mental health technique, especially around issues of trauma and health, such as after a miscarriage, after a diagnosis, divorce, etc.

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