AO3 is currently under a DDoS attack, so here’s my fic

My Fanfic

This is a very, very rough and quick list of most of my fic from AO3 because the site is down today (July 2023.) Links to my other Doctor Who and X-files fics can be had from the front page of this site. I know the epub/html order is not consistent, but that’s an artifact of the upload process and I’m too tired to fix it right now. I probably got a few wrong when labeling. The Epub files for Pocketful and Complementarity are very large because they contain the images.

The html for most of these is as lean as it can be, very bare bones, dark mode download from AO3. This is all hosted on my own site, not linking out to AO3. I don’t mind people sharing with a friend, but please do not upload any of these files to any other site. I prefer keeping them here and on AO3 only. The easiest way to share is by giving someone a link! (And no, I don’t make money off of this site, you will notice a distinct lack of advertising anywhere. I just prefer to keep things where i can edit them if I need to.)

In an ideal world I would come back and put a list of fandoms and clickable links, but we all know that’s probably not going to happen. The more popular/recent stuff is up top.

MDZS/The Untamed/CQL

Pocketful of Soul (html) Pocketful of Soul (epub)

Time Charm
  1. in case of fire, break glass
    in case of fire break (html) in case of fire break (epub)
  2. who knows who she’ll make me
    who knows who shell make (html) who knows who shell make (epub)
  3. whatever came of you and me
    whatever came of you and (html) whatever came of you and (epub)
  4. give me your mind, baby, give me your body
    give me your mind baby (html) give me your mind baby (epub)
  5. worth it all these years
    worth it all these years (html)  worth it all these years (epub)

Merlin

Complementarity, Entanglement and the Uncertainty of Destiny
—or— A Feminist Mage in King Arthur’s Court
Complementarity (epub) Complementarity (html)

Good Omens

  1. Mitzvah (html) Mitzvah (epub)
  2. Barukh (epub) Barukh (html)
  3. Tea (epub) Tea (html)
  4. Ehhad (html) Ehhad (epub)
  5. Sarah Young’s FAQ (epub) Sarah Young’s FAQ (html)
  6. Shelter (epub) Shelter (html)

Check, Please!

Standalone:

Just Guys Baking Pies (html) Just Guys Baking Pies (epub)

A conversation with the Inlaws (html) A conversation with the Inlaws (epub)

Wheres The Foxtrot (epub) Wheres The Foxtrot (html)

Whats in a Name (epub) Whats in a Name (html)

Actually I Do Make the Rules:
  1. Mama Bittle’s Rule Number One
    Mama Bittles Rule Number (epub) Mama Bittles Rule Number (html)
  2. Halo Violations and Protective Holding
    Halo Violations and (epub) Halo Violations and (html)
  3. Equal Protection: School Rules
    Equal Protection School (epub) Equal Protection School (html)
  4. Rule Number Two
    Rule Number Two (epub) Rule Number Two (html)
  5. Broken Rules
    Broken Rules (epub) Broken Rules (html)
  6. Healing Rules
    Healing Rules (html) Healing Rules (epub)
  7. Jody Burke (epub) Jody Burke (html)
  8. Ashley Burton (epub) Ashley Burton (html)
  9. Requisite Holding (epub) Requisite Holding (html)

Yuri on Ice:

  1. Lost in Translations
    Lost in Translations (epub) Lost in Translations (html)
  2. Translations Over Distance
    Translations Over (epub) Translations Over (html)
  3. Translations: Initiations
    Translations Initiations (epub) Translations Initiations (html)
  4. Translations: Elongations
    Translations Elongations (epub) Translations Elongations (html)
  5. Translations: Terminations and Transitions
    Translations (epub) Translations (html)
  6. Transition: Puberty
    Transition Puberty (epub) Transition Puberty (html)
  7. Transition: The Leap
    Transition The Leap (epub) Transition The Leap (html)
  8. Transitions: Landings
    Transitions Landings (epub) Transitions Landings (html)
  9. Transition: Coming Out
    Transition Coming Out (html) Transition Coming Out (epub)
  10. Transition: Questioning
    Transition Questioning (epub) Transition Questioning (html)

JAG

Making Fate (epub) Making Fate (html)

Star Trek: Discovery

mother i climbed (html)

Skyrim

Warning to the Dragonborn (html)

Castle

Therapy (epub) Therapy (html)

Worth the Wait (epub) Worth the Wait (html)

Stargate: SG1

  1. Finding Klein (html) Finding Klein (epub)
  2. The Right Place at the Right Klein  (html) The Right Place at the Right Klein (epub)
  3. A Stitch in Klein (epub) A Stitch in Klein (html)

Story notes for Chapters 7-9 of Healing Rules

There’s not enough room on AO3 in the notes section, so I’m putting this here.

Series: Actually, I Do Make the Rules

Story: Healing Rules

Chapter 7

Note from 2017: Okay, my god. So, so many things have happened since last I worked on this. I mean, Jesus. The election. Yuri on Ice and 200k worth of words over there (and as will surprise no one) I’m back over here working on this while the thing I’m working on there is percolating. Distract me enough and the original stuff I was working on becomes the distraction. And I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, because obviously I need one more thing. Two more things, as I seem to be developing small fiber neuropathy. I’m now on my fifth RA drug this year. And I started publishing my original web series at Lonstory.com. So that’s all very exciting (please for the love of god go read it, it’s free.) Meanwhile, the plot for this has never let me go, so those who were worried about whether I’d finished this? Yes. I will.

If it wasn’t for the chapter titles, this would be a separate story. I’m writing it in almost every way separate from that which has gone before. When we left our people, Bitty had left Samwell at the start of his senior year, Shitty was thinking about leaving law school and moving to a tropical island with Lardo, Jack was doing his thing, and Theo’s dad had been found, introduced, and turned out to be a good guy. It was September 3, 2016.
Where I’m picking this up is not that far after, but sometimes the world changes overnight, and you don’t realize until later that there was a line in the sand that you crossed. There was, for them, the off-season, where Jack was mostly home and Bitty was getting his feet under him, and then there was hockey. Oh. And a little matter of an election. (Also, I wrote everything prior to the October 3 segment in this chapter before the last batch of Year Three dropped.)

I tried to work on this in 2020. Lol.

Mid 2022: Since I last seriously worked on this, um, a lot has happened, both personally and politically. I’m finally stable on my 15th RA drug, but stable is not “cured”. And that’s about enough said of that.

The reason this wasn’t done sooner was Trump, the same way the reason I can’t work on YOI right now is Putin, in most simplistic terms. One of the reasons, anyway. Between Trump and the pandemic I think it’s pretty easy to see how the optimism which permeated the rest of this could have taken a hit, but this story, specifically, hits harder on a personal level.

Rereading Broken Rules was like a kick to the gut, personally. The idea that it might be possible to dearly love a teenager and be unable to meet their needs in your own home… In retrospect, I was just barely starting to grapple with my failing health and the deteriorating situation with my middle child. Without going into too much detail about her medical situation, I will say that she was 11 when I was writing this, and I was nowhere near as disabled as I am now, and we were still regularly running into enormous needs conflicts. Things like, “I cannot take my own child to the bus without feeling like I’m going to puke on the way back and she’s not safe to do it by herself for developmental reasons that are in no way her fault.”

She is now 17, in therapeutic foster care, in a family with no younger children, with a highly skilled foster mom who is honestly amazing and so good with her, who is not disabled herself. She is better off there than she was here, with more opportunities (especially because I’m immune suppressed and she desperately needs the stimulation of other people) to travel and do sports and have a life which meets more of her needs than we could. I’m better off with her there, the stress level is so much lower, and my youngest is capable of wearing a high quality mask and doesn’t need to go-go-go the way she does, so the immune risk with him is much lower than it would have been with her.

And it doesn’t matter how much I tell myself those things, she’s still the baby who I fought to keep alive against huge odds (we were told she had a 70% chance of dying before age 2 when she was diagnosed), still the child I nurtured at my breast and carried on my back and if you’d told me before she was born that I could ever let one of my kids go live with someone else at age 14 I wouldn’t have believed you. It doesn’t matter how impossible it would be to bring her home (we see her, and talk to her regularly, but she has not been in this house since) my heart knows someone is missing.

I used to have a very busy house full of people, and now it is just the three of us, my husband, my son, and me, and it’s very quiet, and calm, and there are few emotional disturbances, and I don’t have to deal with very much drama and yet part of me deeply misses the people who have fallen away.

My health could not take the stress. My heart is still aching. And this story so far has come from a tremendously optimistic place that I don’t live in anymore.

But from the beginning, I knew what these chapters would be about, and a huge part of it is about finding positive things to do in response to terrible, realistic fear. Maybe now, with my life calm, and the stirrings of movement, finally, in a better direction than we’ve been, maybe now is the time for that story. I’ll do my best.

Late 2022:
Recently someone close to me needed help, and our house is not so quiet anymore because I just couldn’t, rattling around in this large house, turn a blind eye to a parent and child in need.

So our house is full again, and I regret nothing. It is a gift to watch people unfold from constant struggle into safety. It costs so little to be kind.

This has been ridiculously hard to make myself write. The combination of not wanting to think about 2016, being entirely over the whole fictionalized wedding writing, and grieving the fact that I may never be able to go to another event or party (I caught covid and flu this year at the same time, going to the grocery store, despite being fully vaccinated and wearing an N95) made it very difficult to write this story.

Also, this fic raised $110 for Fandom Trumps Hate, specifically for the Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund. I encourage people to support this organization, especially now when trans rights are under attack in so many ways and so many places. Thanks to PathsofPassion and Anyawen for both, independently, asking “Can my prompt be for you to write another chapter/finish Healing Rules?” Now that I’m finished, I’m glad I said yes.

I probably won’t be doing FTH this next year, but if you have a pressing desire for a specific prompt and are willing to donate to charity about it, it doesn’t hurt to ask.

An open letter to PE teachers from someone who was an EDS kid

One of the first thoughts I had on getting a diagnosis of EDS, was that I wish I could tell my PE teachers. 

From as far back as I remember, I was terrible at running. I got tired easily. If I pushed to keep up with the class, I invariably sprained something. I was accused many times of “making it up because I didn’t want to run.”

I wanted, desperately, to be able to keep up. What I would have needed at that age in order to do so would have been very specific wrapping of knee and ankle joints and coaching on stride. 

But that still wouldn’t have addressed the POTS issue. See, even later, as an adult, even as a heavy adult, my blood pressure has run low. The last time I was fit it was running 90/50 on the regular. I’m completely sedentary now due to other health issues, but it rarely gets over about 120/70, despite a significant weight gain. I would get lightheaded and have to sit down, I still do, and it would come at unexpected times, because at the heart of it POTS and EDS affect autonomic regulation. My temperature drops and rises at odd times. My circulation is sometimes great and sometimes horrible. Stress (and especially people yelling) shuts things down. 

Swimming was better exercise for me, both because of the pressure of the water and the horizontal nature of it. But I could do things like weight lifting and jumping jacks, if people gave me enough time and gentle encouragement (or just didn’t yell.)

Most of the injuries I had relative to PE came because someone was yelling at me or berating me for not keeping up. It was not until I was getting PE waivers for being on swim team that I started actually enjoying exercise. As an adult, when I’ve been healthier (One of the issues with EDS is that it makes one more prone to a host of other illnesses, in my case, rheumatoid arthritis) I have been very fit indeed. Stairs were easier than flats. Walking is better than running. 

I used to wrap my ankles and then get yelled at for “doing it for the attention.” I didn’t want attention, I was an odd duckling of a 13 year old, I didn’t want anyone to look at me, but the wraps made my ankles feel better. Also, if my ankles were wrapped, people were less likely to yell at me to run, and I was SO bad at running. 

So I didn’t wrap them enough. And by the time I was in my 40s, I was falling a lot due to unstable ankle joints. And now I’m in a wheelchair a significant part of the time, because of the fall risks. 

The best thing we can do for kids with EDS is to learn to avoid damage, strengthen the core, and listen when they tell us something is too much. Because learning to listen to their bodies is the best chance they have at keeping function longer. 

“No pain, no gain” is not useful for people with EDS. In us, pain usually equals damage. Find other ways to fitness, and tailor the fitness goals to what will help the child. Strengthening the muscles that support the core, ankles, knees and shoulders. Don’t push flexibility beyond comfort, EVER, because EDS kids are already too flexible. Gentle exercise will always be better than pushing to the limit. Preserving joint function over time will give incalculable benefits for lifetime fitness.

match being held pinched between finger and thumb is burning at both ends

Words for those newly diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis

Rheumatoid Arthritis is a big, serious thing, that a lot of people don’t understand very well, and which looks terrifying once you do understand it. The important thing to remember is that it is treatable, and treatment can drastically improve how you feel day to day. I’ve had bad treatments that made me worse, and I’ve had treatments that gave me my life back for a while. I have some days with little pain. This may feel like the end of the word, but it isn’t. That said…

Do what you need to make it work for you. Lots of people will tell you lots of things, and all I know is that the reason so many treatments exist is because not every person gets sick in the same way, and not every treatment works for every person. There are lots of good options, and if one isn’t working, it’s okay to switch to another. In fact, it’s best to switch, because there are dozens of options, and it may take some time to find the right one for you.

Diet may help, but it is an answer, not the answer. Exercise may help, but only if you can do it without increasing your damage. Medications may help, but not if they’re making you sicker. If something is making you worse, it’s time to change.The best thing you can do is form a healthy connection with your caregiver and keep researching to know what your options are.

Any advice I give you is going to come from what works for me, and I know that my situation and your situation may have commonalities but they are not identical. It’s okay for you to find something that works for you that didn’t work for me, or for you to not like something that I do like. The important thing is to keep the damage to a minimum, and make you as comfortable as possible.

Here’s a list of things I’ve tried:

Gluten free: For me, this is essential but mostly because I’m allergic to wheat and get migraines. Worth trying for 6-8 weeks, then adding wheat back in and seeing if things change. Don’t let that process stop you from trying other things.

Low carb: Mostly for me this is a response to steroid-induced diabetes. Some people find it helpful.

NSAIDS: Great if you can take them, but will never be your only option, and many people stop being able to take them after a while. I can’t take them at all.

DMARDS: “Disease modifying anti-rheumatoid drugs”

Steroids: Best done for short periods if possible, frequently used for flares) Medrol has marginally fewer side effects than Prednisone due to less impact on the liver. Prednisone is the default.

Methotrexate: Usually a stepping stone, injections have fewer side effects than pills, can be pretty miserable, works for a few people, insurance may require you start here. Tell doctor immediately if it’s making you worse. If it’s not making you better, they may add a biologic.

Leflunomide (Arava): Better tolerated than methotrexate for many, more expensive, works for some, most often used in conjunction with other meds. Pay attention to your peripheral nerves, this drug can cause tingling and numbness in your feet and hands and nobody talks about it except the package insert.
Plaquenil, hydroquinolone: I couldn’t do these because allergies, but they are common and work well for some people. Can be used with biologics I believe.

Biologics:

There are a lot of them, they are obscenely expensive, most companies will pay your copay for you so don’t let the price stop you at first glance.

Tumor necrosis factor inhibitors (TNF) are the first big group and the one most people start with. There are versions created from non-human sources and versions created from human cell lines. The latter may bet tolerated better if the others fail. Your insurance may require you to move through these in order. You do not have to fail every drug in the category for your doctor to decide to try a drug in a different category.

Some examples I’ve personally dealt with include:
Enbrel: Injectable, helped me 4 days per week, was given once a week, probably would have stuck it out if they’d been able to dose it higher.
Remicade: Infusion in the doctor’s office: It sort of kept things to a dull roar, but wasn’t great.
Simponi Aria: This was terrific while it lasted, but when I went off it for a surgery, I had a bad systemic reaction that was not understood quickly when I went back on. Many biologics are big complex molecules the body will turn on if given a chance. I’m still sad about this one.

So failing 3 TnF inhibitors, my doctor shifted me to a Janus Kinase inhibitor:

Xeljanz was terrific during the 3 weeks it overlapped with my simponi aria, and mediocre for the next year, and made me vulnerable to a lot of infections.

Rinvoq is in the same class and did not help.

Note that Xeljanz and Rinvoq are not as likely to promote the immune reaction that the others are, because they are smaller molecules taken orally. “JAX inhibitors” is what they’re usually called.

I’m now on Orencia, which is another infusion, but it blocks a different pathway. mumble mumble T cells? B cells? I forget. Anyway, it’s a fast infusion, takes a few weeks to work. I’m like ehhh 12 days out and just starting to have more energy and less pain.

My doctor says we have two more major categories to try if I fail this one. If that happens, we may start doing some mix-and-match that wouldn’t normally be recommended (in part because I had terrific responses to being on a TNF inhibitor and a JAX inhibitor at the same time, but that increases cancer and infection risks.)

Herbals and other things

There are herbal medications which can help, but they are generally not sufficient alone.

CBD: Many people report this being effective for pain, but there is a HUGE caution if you are on blood thinners or drugs with a liver pathway for clearance, as CBD interferes strongly with multiple liver pathways. We actually did blood tests to demonstrate this in me personally and it made my anticoagulation levels increase. You need to compare every drug you’re on to CBD if you’re going to use it.

Turmeric
Tart cherry
Ginger
Black pepper
and a wide variety of other fruits, vegetables, spices and herbs can all help lower your inflammation levels. Fish oil (but better to eat salmon, sardines, oysters) can also help. These are no cure–I was literally on them when I got sick, but I’ve had days without these things and days with and I prefer the days with.

I take milk thistle and dandelion to help stabilize my liver and help it cope with everything I throw at it.

I take CoQ10 to help with inflammation, among other things.
I take magnesium to help keep everything more relaxed.
I take vitamin D because I live in Oregon.
I take Alpha GPC and Citicholine because they help make my brain make better neurotransmitters.

You will hear things like “Sugar is the enemy!” and “Plants only!” and other people saying, “You must go paleo!” or “Keto is the only way.”

All I know is that I need food to live, sugar makes me feel bad, sometimes vegetables and meats do too, and there are days when life is not worth living if I can’t have a goddamn sandwich with mayo. I try not to eat foods that taste like future pain. I try to keep my relationship with food civil.

Physical therapy and osteopathic adjustments are the things that save my life right now. Because a lot of times those practitioners can figure out what’s hurting, figure out why it’s hurting, and fix it. Not all pain is the same, and if they can get rid of most of it, the rest of it is easier to cope with.

Get the assistive devices you need to cope with your worst days. For some people that’s a cane or a walker. For me it’s a lightweight power wheelchair I can load in and out of my car myself. It might be a power recliner with a lift function. It might be The Right Electronics (I can do a whole nother talk about this). It might be putting an adjustable bed in the place you spend the most social time. If you’re not leaving your house because it’s too hard, it’s time to look at things that will make it easier.

Always have one more tool in your toolkit, if you can, and try to avoid using that last tool except in emergencies. For some people that tool will be alcohol, or muscle relaxants. For me, it’s oxycodone. I have a bottle with a few pills that I keep locked away and when the pain is bad enough that I can’t sleep, I take just enough to allow me to sleep. Knowing it’s there helps me not reach for it too often. If you’re reaching for your last tool too often, you probably need to talk to your doctor about switching meds or looking at what’s damaged.

When you are on these medications, you need to take infections seriously. You will be in the doctor’s office more. You will need more antibiotics. I have floating prescriptions for as-needed fluconozole for yeast and famicyclovir for shingles/cold sores. We know which antibiotics I tolerate. They give me tamiflu at the drop of a hat, or at least, at the drop of “anyone in my circle tested positive for flu.” Your family needs to take these things seriously and they need to work hard to wash their hands, cover their coughs, get their flu shots, and avoid people with known flu. You’re not likely to just drop dead of an infection without warning, but seemingly trivial toenail infections can get severe quickly, and my doctor thanks me if I come in on the very first day of them. Treated masks are you friend on airplanes and in large public places. Gloves help in flu season. Wash your hands a lot and don’t rely on hand sanitizer.

One thing to be aware of is that things which actually “boost the immune system” may not be your friend. But they may be necessary if you get sick. For example, elderberry syrup seems to boost tumor necrosis factor. This makes it directly very helpful for influenza specifically. Anti-TNF drugs can make us get a lot sicker with the flu. If you’ve just had your 8 week infusion and get sick, you need to be aware that taking something like elderberry acts almost as an antidote for your fancy, expensive drug.

And this can be life saving with influenza. You will learn to prioritize. Not-dying of infection trumps treating RA trumps “being all natural.” So sometimes we use the tamiflu and elderberry syrup because dying of flu would suck, and just know that we may need steroids to cover the flare that’s going to come after.

If this all seems like a crazy balancing act? It is. It’s not easy. But eventually someone’s going to figure out how to turn our immune systems off, reformat the hard drive, reload a clean operating system and cover us with antivirus protection* until the new immune system kicks in, and this will be a whole different ballpark. Give it 10-15 years.

*By which I mean: there is a therapy being devised for MS to “turn off” the immune system, which would then be replaced by naive stem cells which would regrow into a new immune system. Providing human immunoglobulin for a time to help prevent illness while the new immune system gets established would be extremely helpful.

And hey, if they get good enough with CRISPR, those new naive stem cells might have been reprogrammed with the genetic risk factors for RA removed. It could happen.

I keep telling my doctor that this immune system is broken and I want a new one, but the only way to do that with current technology is by bone marrow transplant, and knowing me, I’d get graft vs. host disease because that’s just the kind of unlucky I am.

But theoretically this could not only fix my RA, but sjogren’s syndrome and the majority of my food allergies. With CRISPR, it could even fix my genetic coagulapathies.  I’m not desperate enough for a bone marrow transplant. Yet. 

Photo credit: Image by Myriam Zilles from Pixabay

This image is of a tweet by @ilovevictuuri, which I responded to, screenshot, posted to tumblr, screenshot, posted to facebook, screenshot, and posted back to twitter.

The Media Chain (a filk)

to the tune of “The Rattlin’ Bog” because how could it possibly be to the tune of anything else?

Hi ho, the Tumblr blog,
The blog linked from my web page,
Hi ho, the Tumblr blog,
The blog linked from my web page.

Now on the blog there was a tweet,
A rare tweet, a screenshot tweet,
A tweet on the blog,
And the blog linked from my web page.

Hi ho, the Twitter blog,
The blog linked from my web page,
Hi ho, the Twitter blog,
The blog linked from my web page

And on that Tweet there was an image,
A rare image, a FaceBook image,
Facebook on the Tweet, and the Tweet on the blog,
And the blog linked from my web page

Hi ho, the Facebook image,
Could have been my web page,
Hi ho, the Facebook image,
Could have been my web page.

And on that image there was a post,
A rare post, a WordPress post,
A post in the image, FaceBook on the Tweet, and the Tweet on the blog,
And the blog that IS my web page.

Hi ho, the WordPress blog,
The blog that IS my web page,
Hi ho, the WordPress blog,
The blog that IS my web page.

Now on that blog, there were some words,
Blog words, they’re my own words
My words on the blog, the blog on my page, screenshot on facebook, then posted to Twitter, then on to Tumblr…
With no links to my web page.
[spoken](Or my Tumblr, or my Twitter, or my FaceBook, but that’s the internet for you.)

Hi, ho, the media chain,
The media chain on the internet,
Hi, ho, the media chain,
The media chain on the internet.

(Please include attribution. In this case, jenrose.com)

This image is of a tweet by @ilovevictuuri, which I responded to, screenshot, posted to tumblr, screenshot, posted to facebook, screenshot, and posted back to twitter.

Commentary:

People often screenshot posts that are useful or amusing to them. I understand the inclination. In my case, though, I go out of my way to make it really easy to share the actual words. On my website, every article has a widget to share to multiple services. On my Tumblr, if you go to the post on my page, there will be a share widget.

Why is it better to use actual links to actual words, rather than a picture of those words? At the most basic level, it’s good manners. If I put a share widget on my post, I don’t mind you sharing a link to that post with the widget. It’s super easy to do, just click the button, follow directions. Takes about a second if you’re signed into whatever service you’re blogging to.

Screenshots are copyright violations, especially in this context. I don’t make money off my website(which is irrelevant to the legality of it,) but I do like to know people are reading my stuff. So it matters to me that they know where it came from.

Now am I going to sue? Not likely. Does it deprive me of a little light at a hard time of year, when my health is really poor? Yeah. If people are sharing my words because they matter, and talking about them, and they do it on a screenshot I don’t know exists, I don’t know I helped them. That matters.

But there’s a deeper issue. I write words in a format that is very easy for screen readers to parse, which means that my articles should be easy to access for a blind person using a screen reader. Your images? Don’t mean anything for them. I often write about accessibility issues, issues for neurodivergent people, and the profound irony of my words being shared inaccessibly is irritating.

I don’t always have the energy to put pictures up with what I’ve written, so they may not catch as many eyes, because I’m not trying to clickbait people in for ad dollars. That doesn’t mean you should just put all my words into pictures.

And if you absolutely must, for the love of viral kittens, please link back to where you got it. And maybe where they got it. Tag me. I don’t mind.

This post prompted by finding multiple posts that followed meandering paths through Twitter, Tumblr, FaceBook and back again, with some digressing stops for commentary on Reddit and YouTube. I’m glad y’all are talking. I wish that it wasn’t something I stumbled on by accident. (Very weird to have a friend repost my words from a screenshot from a social media venue I’m not on, and say, “Oh, that’s me.”)

Please share. Just don’t leave me out of the loop, and please don’t leave accessibility considerations out of the loop.

Screenshot original post was by IWriteVictuuri

How to Shift Away from Amazon (and why I bother)

I started shopping at Amazon very early in its existence. I adored the convenience even when it was mostly just books and music. My not-yet husband, back in 2001, invested in Amazon when it was very cheap to do so. As the business expanded I got Prime, I had years when all our Christmas presents came from there, and by 2016, most of our recurring household goods purchases, many clothing purchases and 97% of the miscellaneous gewgaws of living were coming from there. It is safe to say that we spent thousands of dollars per year buying from Amazon.

I was not easy with the stories of the warehouse conditions. I was even less happy with the avoidance of local taxes and efforts to sabotage efforts to shore up Seattle’s awful housing situation for people who aren’t wealthy. I have enough friends in the area that I know things can get very expensive and very crowded, and that Amazon is a contributor to that problem.

I saw the back and forth between Amazon and publishers and was dismayed.

As a writer, when I could still imagine working with Amazon, it looked like a good way to connect to readers. Now? I’d rather not publish than publish through Amazon.

The biggest feather on the scale? Was the ten ton brick that was finding out that Amazon had marketed Rekognition realtime facial recognition software to ICE.

Hubby had already sold our Amazon stock by that time.

But that was the point where I cancelled our substantial subscribe and save order, and started looking elsewhere for literally anything we wanted to buy.

It wasn’t as hard as I expected. Still not quite as convenient, but at least I don’t have that pit in my stomach of “Am I working with a company that actively courts the Gestapo?”

I’m not boycotting, exactly. I’m not saying, “NO ONE SHOULD EVER BUY FROM AMAZON EVER FOR ANY REASON.”

For one thing, there are people who depend on Amazon and Amazon’s marketplace, servers and publishing resources for their livelihood, and for another, there are some things that simply cannot, as of yet, be purchased elsewhere (or if they can, cannot be delivered quickly enough in some circumstances.)

Amazon is harder to avoid than Nestle, and I’ve been avoiding Nestle for decades and am very good at it despite people proclaiming it “impossible”.

What I’m saying is that it was surprisingly not too complicated to buy elsewhere for most things.

I found clothing companies that fit me and that I like, and they still sell direct. (Woman Within and Target both have lines that fit my sensory issues, size and accessibility needs.)

Target has a lot of the miscellany that I used to get from Amazon, and they’re often cheaper and I can get there in my wheelchair, so the carbon footprint is smaller.

Best Buy has a lot of the minor electronics. Newegg has cables. Natural Grocers and Vitacost cover the vitamins and supplements. Costco covers a lot of the household goods.

I’m starting to look into alternatives to the kid’s kindle, because I’d like to stop with the Freetime subscription. Audiobooks and Prime (for streaming) are the last to go.

I’m not guilting myself about still having a few ties and occasionally needing to use Amazon, but we’ve gone from thousands of dollars per year to maybe a couple hundred, and if more people did that, the world would probably be a better place. Why?

Amazon is damaging the USPS. The FBI is actively using Rekognition even though facial recognition software is inherently racist and more likely to make mistakes with people of color. Jeff Bezos considers his profits “winnings” and in the most astonishing failure of imagination in history, says the only thing he can imagine spending his winnings on is space travel.

He doesn’t need any more money. Companies that aren’t Amazon need customers so they can employ more people (and hopefully treat them better.)

I’m not passionate about dragging people into boycotts. I know that my money is a drop in the bucket. But I can put it somewhere that doesn’t make me feel nauseated.

There is, of course, no perfect company. But I feel like Amazon has been actively trying to be evil, and thus they’ve joined the list of companies* I choose to avoid supporting.

It’s too bad.

I do still use the Amazon website. It’s decent for research, for finding items and finding review histories to a point. And then I look up those items and go elsewhere, which is the opposite of what it was at the beginning. Karma, really.

*I do not darken the door of Hobby Lobby, ever, for any reason. I do not purchase Nestle products if there is literally any other option available. I avoid Walmart most of the time, but sometimes they’re they only option. I have never and will never eat Chick Fil-a, and I no longer buy McDonalds but that’s mostly because I worked there when I was 15 and am now allergic to literally everything on the menu. I have never taken a Lyft or an Uber or stayed in an AirBnB. I recognize the privilege that I have in being able to avoid those things. But I expend very little effort on avoiding them, they’re just not on my person menu.

Xenophobia as Autoimmunity Writ Large

Autoimmunity is where the body starts attacking the body’s own systems, responding to the body’s own cells as if they were, for example, cancer or disease, when they are not. We need our immune system to fight off actual viruses, cancers, bacteria and parasites, but sometimes immune systems just aren’t that bright about what constitutes an actual danger and what just bears a passing resemblance to something dangerous.

Autoimmunity can be deadly, so in order to protect the body from the near constant attack from the immune system, we give people with autoimmune issues a variety of medications to either mitigate the effects of the attack (i.e. by replacing thyroid in people whose bodies have destroyed their thyroid gland, giving antihistamines to people who are having histamine responses to benign substances) or by wholesale turning off or inhibiting broad sections of the immune system with powerful immunosuppressants.

Disease can kill, too. Shut off too much of the immune system and the common cold can be deadly. It can take much longer to recover from illness. Finding a balance can be tricky, impossible, even. Sometimes we give steroids to reduce inflammation and dial back the immune system a bit–and our bodies create our own steroids when we are sick, so we need them, but too much and diabetes happens.

Moderating autoimmunity is difficult because threats do exist. It would be ideal if we could accurately dial back some responses and not others, or limit responses only to legitimate invaders, but the systems aren’t that easy to address on a granular level.

So when autoimmunity crops up, we try a multi-pronged approach, adjusting diet, supplements, exercise, and using medications judiciously, trying to find the balance that permits health in an unbalanced system.

Xenophobia, racism, homophobia, nationalism are all autoimmunity responses. The racist incorrectly classifies broad swaths of people as “other” and “toxic” and “dangerous” and responds with violent words and violent actions, feeling justified in the face of a danger from a whole section of our culture which is not, inherently, dangerous.

Ironically, both with bigotry and autoimmunity, the immune system responders and the bigots will often be so completely distracted by perceived threats that they do not respond to actual threats.

There is, in fact, more actual threat to your average working class white person from a handful of Republicans sitting in positions of power than there is from all of the Black people in this country put together. Even if you include actual criminals. (Some parts of the body are, in fact, cancer, or infected, but autoimmunity does not respond subtly, nor does racism.)

I don’t have an answer, but it’s a model that makes a lot of sense to me.

Then again, I’m biased. Rheumatoid arthritis is doing its level best to tear me apart. It’s not like I can exclude my joints from holidays, or march against the antibodies attacking my liver.

I need my immune system, but I really wish it would be more sensible and precise about what it targets. Likewise, we need people who are able to respond to crises and threat in productive ways, with skill, but we also need them to not manufacture threats where no threats exist, or attack our populace indiscriminately.

I hope that people can be more sensible than my immune system. I hope that people can train themselves to be better about correcting for bias.

With allergies, small exposures can reduce large reactions over time. We know that people who travel and make connections with people different from themselves are less likely to respond in pathological ways to cultural difference. Immune systems can, to a point, be trained.

The critical factor is to remember that all of us, all of humanity, are not the enemy. We are one body, constantly at war with itself.

But maybe, just maybe, we can train ourselves to stop.

Gluten-free, Low Lactose Mac n Cheese

We never use boxed mac and cheese because the high lactose content makes me ill every time, but it’s just about easier to make it from scratch anyway.

This is one of the rare times I’m going to tell you that you really SHOULD use the non-wheat pasta even if you aren’t allergic to wheat.

Get a good quality brown rice pasta. Trader Joe’s penne or fusilli is ideal.
Cook until it is just past al dente, but not quite “squishy” (unless your kids prefer it that way, like I do).

While the pasta is cooking, set up your cheeses. Now, the easy/lazy way is to get already-grated cheeses (Trader Joe’s Smoky blend is FANTASTIC for this). Some people react to the natamycin in pre-grated cheese (we learned this the hard way.)

If you have the patience (and it doesn’t take much), slice up some good cheese. My favorite mix: 1-2 ounces of gorgonzola, 1-2 ounces of Dubliner, 1-2 ounces of gruyere, maybe some gouda and a few curls of real parmesan. It doesn’t have to be grated or even sliced very thin. This works best with about an ounce or two of cheese per cup of cooked pasta. It’s a LOT of cheese. For lactose intolerance, you want more aged cheeses. If you get headaches with blue cheese, avoid the gorgonzola.

Sliced cheddar or even American cheese can be used. This recipe is not fussy. Sharper cheddar will be better for lactose intolerance.

Remove portions for whoever doesn’t want cheese in theirs. I do this by dumping part of the pasta into a strainer. Do NOT get rid of all of the water by upending the whole pot into the strainer. You want to reserve the last 1/4 to 1/2 cup of liquid from cooking the rice pasta. (Rice starch makes the cheese emulsify better.) If you’re not comfortable eyeballing this, pour the last bit into a measuring cup and then measure it back into the pan.

With the little bit of cooking water in the pan, plus the noodles that you want cheesed, put it back over the burner and dump the cheese in, with a bit of butter if you like. Stir for a couple minutes. If you’re really ambitious, add a bit of seasoning, to taste. If you like smoky, smoked paprika, smoked salt…

This works as a side dish…but sneaky.. you can add veggies to it and already cooked (leftover? precooked chicken strips?) chicken and boom, meal. If your family likes canned salmon, a can of canned salmon (leave the bones in, they’re tasty and nutritious) works well too.

If you’re counting calories, you can use the Finlandia reduced fat cheese slices. Still tasty.

If you really want it to have the highest amount of omega 3, use Dubliner cheese, Kerrygold reserve cheddar, real Italian Parmigiano Reggiano, and grass-fed butter (kerrygold is all grass fed). Then it’s both decadent AND healthy, though quite calorific.

For those who want to avoid dairy, some reserved pasta can be topped with olive oil and fresh herbs, bruschetta… nutritional yeast can add a nice “buttery” note.

Why rice pasta? 1. It’s whole grain. 2. It tastes more like white pasta than whole wheat pasta does. 3. The rice starch in the cooking water makes for the best creamy mac and cheese sauce with the least work.

Sneaky gourmet: Wilt some chopped spinach into the pasta before you take it entirely off the heat, crumble in bacon, and stir in an egg or two for lots of protein and a quickie “carbonara” style pasta dish. Make sure you stir lots and leave it on low heat long enough for the egg to cook!

Egg is a great way to “save” an overly watery mac and cheese sauce. You just need to add it and stir quickly over low heat until it thickens the sauce. Don’t go slow, don’t use high heat, don’t try this when things have cooled down too much, you want the egg to cook just after it incorporates with the liquid you’re trying to thicken.

Carbonara is what I make for people who are having a hard time keeping their appetite up, don’t have energy to eat for very long and are healing from body trauma like birth or surgery. It doesn’t take much to get a lot of calories in, it tastes fantastic and triggers all the appetite buttons, and it has a phenomenal amount of protein.

This recipe is what I use for about half the birthdays in our house. Two bags of pasta for 6-8 people leave MAYBE enough leftovers for one kid’s school lunch the next day.

He believes he can fly

I was a little surprised by the depth and breadth of my four year old’s delight at the blue and lime track suit my mother bought for him.

He gasped. “It’s everything I ever wanted.”

I was bemused and confused, and called my mother. “Tell Grandma what you think of it.”

“It’s PERFECT,” he declared.

He wore it on a walk with his dad. He apparently flung himself through a sprinkler and came home soggy. I thought little of it, and his dad hung the suit up to dry.

In the morning, he came into my room, climbed on the couch, and took a flying leap at my bed, track suit jacket open wide.

It was not until later, when he jumped off the couch and explained to our roommate, “This helps me fly” that I realized what he’d seen in the royal blue polyester.

The track suit looks like this.

What he saw is this:

Needless to say we had a long talk about the difference between a squirrel suit and a track suit, and that the track suit wouldn’t help him fly.

And thus I crushed the dreams of my four year old. Who has already fallen out of one tree this year and broken an arm. I told him that he’d have to be an adult, and take a class, and be in really good shape, and not tell me about it until he was on the ground.

Generation WiFi

I’d call this kids born in the 20 years following 9/11

Currently ranging from 0-15 years old, these kids have an unprecedented access to technology even across a wide variety of demographics, wireless, cordless and intuitive. Many of them are competent at navigating a tablet and smart phone from infancy, and they have never lived in a world with the twin towers. Their first awareness of politics probably has to do with Obama on some level or another. Most of them will come of age in a world where gay marriage and legal marijuana are seen as inevitable, and they are the first generation to grow up with a significant cohort of kids who are not in the gender binary and also not in the closet about it. Kids who have literally never been in the closet about it. Sexual orientation is not particularly controversial for them, and by the time they hit college, almost every school out there will have clear consent policies. Their “Berlin Wall” is more likely to be universal health care (should we be so lucky) and the breaking of the big banks.

Gandalf for President

I was sort of absently ruminating about how a guy who bears more than a passing resemblance to my grandfather is managing to fire people up so much. Them I realized.

He’s filling the same ecological niche as Gandalf, Merlin, and Dumbledore.

He’s spent every damn Republican majority at the gates, staff in hand, shouting, “You shall not pass!”

Bernie Sanders *is* Gandalf. No wonder we love him.

So I dusted off my Photoshop skills to do this:
Berndalf

This lead to the following…

I printed out a copy to show to my husband, who was having his weekend morning bath in the deep tub.

He was appropriately amused, but asked that I leave the printed copy “over there” so it wouldn’t get wet.

Over there happened to be on the shelf over the toilet.

I said, “‘You shall not pass’ isn’t really the sentiment I want hanging over my toilet. Besides, think about the hashtag… #feelthebern…”

I don’t know that I’ve ever seen my husband laugh that hard at six in the morning.

Getting our house in order: the false competition between the homeless and the refugees.

I’m seeing a whole lotta nonsense out there about how it is morally reprehensible to go offering help to refugees when we have so many homeless. Leave aside that the people bitching the loudest are also the same people who tell us not to give to the poor because it “enables them” to buy booze or whatever they deem unworthy of the “lower classes”. Also probably the same people trying to cut food stamps and whatnot. Let’s just say the credibility of people who say, “but but but HOMELESS VETS” or “HUNGRY CHILDREN” is not high with me because I suspect they care very little for either, truly.

The fact of the matter is that if we got our shit together and did the things that science and research and public policy data say are the most effective at caring for people, we could actually solve a whole bunch of problems and spend less money than we spend now.

I’m not exaggerating. I’m not making shit up here. This is well supported by data.Continue reading

A TV post almost entirely devoid of actual content

So, fall TV stuff… what have you been enjoying?

Things I’m still watching:

Quantico: It has the CW pretty people problem but once I get over that, the underlying story is interesting enough.

Heroes Reborn: I am unapologetically enjoying this. Both in spite of and because of Zach Levy.

Blindspot: I’m a sucker for a good partnership, mystery, and shows involving the FBI. Suffers from plausibility issues, but if I couldn’t look past those, I wouldn’t have fanned 90% of the shows I’ve obsessed over.

Minority Report: I’m really getting to like the people in this, and the show as a whole is better than the first couple episodes taken alone. Plus, Dash is just adorable. I want to pinch his cheeks.

Stitchers: Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculove it. I think I kind of apologetically love this one, as I kept watching it trying to figure out what was annoying me so much about it when I suddenly realized that I adored a couple of the characters. It’s not the strongest thing out there, but it’s campy and cute once you get past the initial self-conscious tropes-and-lampshades game it plays, especially about women in tech. Plus, I’m ridiculously fond of Allison Scagliotti as an actress. Technically summer TV that I didn’t find until now.

Ongoing shows:
Grimm: I… they ripped our hearts out and then…. were too busy to let us recover. Which creates so much empathy. And yeah. If you haven’t already been watching Grimm, you really should start at the beginning. It’s cheesy and campy and very, very Portland, and has some amazing characters. Were…everything of Portland. Funny and tragic and monsters and mayhem and our chosen hero and really ordinary folk who just happen to also be beavers. Because Portland. Lovely complex characters of a wide variety of people and an undercurrent of “looking past stereotypes” that is timely and a useful metaphor. If for nothing else, watch it for Monroe.

Sleepy Hollow; This is new to me and I’m not past the first season yet, but I’m *really* enjoying the first season. It’s smart and funny and stars a young black police officer with a destiny, and she is partnered with, well, Ichabod Crane, returned from the dead. Don’t tell me about how I won’t like it later, right now I’m enjoying it.

Bones: Getting long in the tooth but I’m not sure I’d say the quality has declined, because the places where it doesn’t “flow” for me are the places where it has literally never flowed for me. I have a blast watching this ensemble tell their stories, in spite of, not because of, the gross-out.

Castle: Sigh. It irritates me when a show that made me love it for its intelligent characters and their relationship makes major plot points happen because the characters are being absolute dingbats. But that’s not actually out of character in this show. It’s has good moments this season and a couple of episodes I enjoyed the crap out of, but adding artificial tension to the ‘ship for spurious reasons feels like they’re more afraid of the ‘ship than any of them have ever admitted. So unnecessary. Will I stop watching? No. Will I keep being annoyed by this? Probably for a while.

Agents of SHIELD: Some of this season I have found profoundly compelling. Simmons’ story… my god. Daisy is less annoying than she used to be. I don’t watch this particularly critically because critical watching of Marvel Universe stuff sucks the joy out of it when it is good and doesn’t really enhance the rough bits.

Under the Dome: Managed to lose my attention, as it does. I’ll probably pick it back up. “Between” bore a close relationship to it and i don’t remember what made me stop watching that one except that they finally explained the WHY and it was so asinine that I just turned it off forever. But Under the Dome is a reasonable diversion, if weirdly structured and contrived. The farther they get into explaining everything, the less impressed I am.

NCIS: Y’know, this could have ended a couple years ago and everyone would have said it had had a nice long run. They’re still managing to tell interesting stories, but Pauley Perrette is 46 freakin’ years old and her character has not changed markedly in any way shape or form in 13 years. If the show goes on another 4 years, she’s going to be 50, playing, in essence, a teenager. I wish they’d let Abby grow up. They let Tony develop. They let Tim develop, They even gave Gibbs a makeover. Leaving Abby where she is is just lazy.

Doctor Who: Last season was excrable. This one I’ve connected with more times, but I’m still not THERE. I’m two episodes behind I think?

Things I watch when they land on Netflix:
The 100: A CW show, this looks a lot like a lot of CW shows, but the actual story is interesting to me.

Daredevil: Yes. Liked.
Sense8. My god.
The Fall: Gillian Anderson is a godess. We are not worthy.
Things I stopped watching that Huluflix Prime keeps trying to shove in my direction: Supernatural (2 seasons ago? I think?) Arrow. Gotham (Too depressing, and written in an unpleasant box). Once Upon a Time (Because Elsa. I just couldn’t.) I got 5 minutes into the Muppets and couldn’t continue. Resurrection (Might pick this one back up again but have a hard time caring). Haven: First four seasons I loved. 5th season lost me in short order.

Things I’m waiting for eagerly:
Jessica Jones
Next season of Continuum
the X-files reboot even though it will probably disappoint me. What am I saying. It’s Gillian Anderson. Who has an amazing ability to make Chris Carter’s nonsense addictive and compelling.

And something Netflix is making that I don’t even know exists yet because clearly they have my number. Looking at my history, and knowing how netflix does things, it will be a science fiction police procedural with a horror twist starring Gillian Anderson and Whoopi Goldberg as lesbian lovers living on a space station and solving crimes by day with the help of a squad of intrepid super heroes.

Explaining gender spectrum to a 3 year old

So, with four nonbinary young adults in my immediate circle, Miles has been a bit… delayed in his inquiries about gender. His use of pronouns tends to be kind of vague and all over the place, and I haven’t been correcting him much because he wasn’t quite to where he could really digest the fairly complex answer to the question, “What does it mean to be a boy or a girl.”

Well, today he asked specifically if his cousin was a girl.

“Yes,” I answered. “She is.”

“I’m a boy,” he said.

“Yes, you are. Do you know what your daddy is?”

“Is she a boy?” he asked.

“He’s a boy. And I’m a girl, kind of.”

“Is Kailea a boy?” he asked.

“No,” I answered.

“Is Kailea a girl?” he asked.

“Not exactly,” I said.

He thought about that for a moment. “Is Kailea a KIDDO?”

I blinked, and blinked again, and said, “Sure!”

 

Bias exists

So I admin a few groups on Facebook. We get new people applying every day to our co-op and the related subgroups. And our criteria are simple. People need to be local-ish to our area. They need to be actual people and not business puppet accounts (i.e. if the facebook name is “Rubbin Yerback” and all visible public posts are for the Rubbin Yerback Massage Therapy Studio, we’re probably going to send them a note asking them to join with a personal account. ) We need to have some sense that they are not shoe spammers. (These are accounts that will sit in any group they are in and autobot-post shoe advertisements for discount shoes.) And… no, that’s pretty much it. Local, not spammers, not business accounts (because usually business accounts join in order to advertise their businesses, and having a blanket policy just reduces headaches.) There are a couple automatic “ins”, including having friends in the group, mutual friends with me, or having a group member add them. But the automatic outs are business name, not local, and obvious spam account.

So, when you’ve been doing this for a couple years, you get a feel, just by looking at names and profile pics, as to which accounts are going to be “real” and which are not.

That’s bias. If I see a picture of a young Japanese woman, or a “supermodel-esque” professional shot of a young blonde woman, especially with name that doesn’t jibe with the picture, my first guess is going to be that this is a spammer. If I see a picture of a mom and a baby and a green background to the pic, I’m going to guess they’re probably local.

But I don’t make my decisions based on those things. I might say, “Bet it’s a spammer” and click through, and if they have my city as their home town and are NOT members of 200 groups and joined facebook yesterday, I’ll probably add them. A recent one was a very pretty picture of a girl with the name “Freckleton Molles.” The account was brand new and no visible friends… I ignored the request. If Freckleton wants to pm an administrator, we might reconsider (but given that the account was deleted a couple hours later, I’m guessing not.)

My point is we all have bias. It is natural for human brains to want to sort people and things and animals into categories. Predator. Not predator. Safe. Not safe.  Humans are amazing at pattern recognition… but we also tend to overcategorize. And when we have assigned categories, our default is to not look further. “I know this thing, I know where it goes, I know how to react, I no longer have to expend effort.”

We are deeply uncomfortable when things don’t fit our categories. And we often flat out don’t see unless it is pointed out when the categories are wrong.

But we MUST reexamine, and frequently, any categories we’ve made for people.

Lives depend on it.

A guide for my kid, on their “emboozeling”.

I’ve now been a mother for 21 years. My eldest child requested to try a fair number of drinks for their birthday, and so we had something of a “tasting menu” after dinner, which we dubbed their “emboozeling”, with a variety of cocktails and sips and smells of a variety of other things. They had maybe the equivalent of a drink and a half over the course of the evening (tasting at least 8 different drinks), and then came home and made themself a rum and coke float.

They have been plied with much advice over the past few days. I’m putting it here so that it is in one place.

1. Understand the size of an actual serving of alcohol, and be aware that drinks vary wildly in their alcohol content.  Or as my aunt says, “Stick with beer or wine or straight spirits unless you can watch the bartender.” My cousin amends, “Or make the drink yourself.” Object lesson: a “California Libre” (rum, coke, and lemon slice) has half a serving of alcohol the way my husband makes it. A Manhattan has two and a half servings. And some cocktails have as many as five shots in them. That’s one “drink” that is actually five servings of booze at once.

There are two main categories of things people do with hard liquor… some are “sipping” drinks that you keep in hand for a while so that people don’t keep offering you booze faster than you want to drink it. And others have a ton of alcohol so that you get as smashed as possible as quickly as possible. You cannot tell which is which just by tasting them.

The shorthand is that a shot (1-1.5 oz) of hard liquor is a serving.  But hard liquor can vary from 35% to 75% alcohol (not counting everclear types), so this is a rough guide. Know what you’re drinking. 5 oz of wine is considered one serving, but wine also can vary from 6% to 16% alcohol, give or take. We’ve seen firsthand what happens when someone used to 7% wine suddenly starts drinking 13%…. And 12 oz is one serving of beer, which varies from about 2% to about 5% alcohol (with some outliers).

Glasses are deceptive in their sizes… if you really want to know how much alcohol you’re getting, measure it. Don’t eyeball the highball.

2. Know your limits. In order to avoid most of the problems that can come along with alcohol consumption, it is wise to limit consumption to no more than 3 servings of alcohol in one sitting, or 7 servings in one week. Binge drinking kills brain cells, and most of the worst things that can happen to people related to alcohol happen when they have a lot of booze at once. Your liver and brain are precious to you. Be kind to them.

(And for future reference, pregnant women should drink no more than 1 serving in a given day, preferably no more than 1/2, and no more than 3 to 3 1/2 servings per week. There’s lot of research showing this to be a safe maximum level of consumption for pregnancy, with no increase [and possibly some decrease] in negative effects short and long term for the baby vs. abstaining. Negative fetal effects are caused by heavier drinking, more than 1 serving per day, more than 7 servings per week, and any binge drinking. Even one binge drinking episode can have negative effects, and those effects can be devastating and lifelong. We don’t know where the cutoff is between 3-7 drinks per week, erring on the side of caution is keeping it under 1/2 measured serving per day. The curve is “J” shaped, and steep.)

Moreover, if you find yourself “needing a drink” or reaching for alcohol after stressful events on a frequent basis, be aware. Never treat drinking as “mandatory” or “assumed” or “expected”. It should be a choice you make, each and every time, and done mindful of the consequences. Do not slide down the slippery slope. It’s okay to be the designated driver, and it’s okay to choose friends who do not lubricate every social event with alcohol. Drinking is not bad or wrong in and of itself, but there are risks, and a potential for abuse, and it’s much, much simpler in the long run to have personal rules that limit the possibility of it becoming a problem.

3. Alcohol metabolizes at approximately one drink per hour. Not one cocktail, not one large solo cup full of beer, but one SERVING of alcohol per hour. Men may metabolize a little faster, women a little slower, and body weight matters– smaller people metabolize slower than bigger people when it comes to booze, most of the time. The best rule of thumb is do not drink and drive, ever. With a great deal of experience with both my personal limits for drinking and driving, I have learned that I can, in fact, have a small amount of alcohol at dinner and then drive safely a few hours later. But it’s less than a full drink for me to be comfortable doing that, and I can feel the minute I should stop, and I’ve been driving now for 26 years. If you have a measured drink and must then drive somewhere, make it be at least two hours after you finished the drink. Or call me for a ride. Or call a taxi. ESPECIALLY if you are at a party, do not count on “I only had one cup”. I have had the experience where I thought I had one glass of wine and a boy kept surreptitiously pouring more into my cup when I wasn’t looking. Not to get into my pants, but just because he thought it would be funny. Taxis are way cheaper and less dangerous than DUI. Much less hassle.

Even small amounts of alcohol can dull reaction times, way under the legal limit. There are people in this world who are capable of driving competently at .08. But even if you’re under .08, you can still be impaired enough to do damage, and the cops can arrest you for DUI if you’re intoxicated at all and driving badly.

If you are at a party and your designated driver is drinking, call me. Call a taxi. I don’t care which.

4. You can make really delicious fancy drinks without alcohol. Mixers can be very tasty. Tonight we had ginger ale, peach sorbet, grenadine, rose water and mint. It was every bit as good as the version that also had zinfandel in it. Virgin margaritas can taste way better than the boozy ones if made from scratch (and restaurant margaritas can be the worst for giant drinks that get you smashed quickly.)

5. Regardless of the politics of rape… the fact of the matter is that the vast majority of rapes are committed with the use of intoxicants (not only “mickies” like roofies or GHB, but just flat out getting someone so drunk they can’t resist or consent) and by people the rape victim knows. Keeping your hand over your drink (to avoid the sneaky top off or drop in) and keeping an eye on your drink from bottle to mouth is prudent. If something happens and someone rapes you while you are drunk or drugged, it will absolutely NOT be your fault. But there are ways of minimizing the risk of that happening in the first place.

When I went to college we were warned against leaving drinks unattended (males and females alike), not because of the risk of rape or roofies, but because at that point there were assholes running around who thought it was hilarious to drop PCP into people’s beverages and then watch them freak out. Especially at campus parties and special events, where eating brownies was just about guaranteed to get you high (pot), and taking random cups of beverage could be a long trip off a short pier.  If you choose to experiment with drugs, do it knowing exactly what you’re doing and what you’re taking and what the consequences might be, legal, medical and psychological. Don’t do it blind. This kind of stupidity does, happily, tend to be confined to bars and college parties in my experience, the more random people at the party, the more vigilance you should have, in general.

And if you see someone doctoring drinks or encouraging someone who is already too drunk to drink more… call them on it. Loudly. Make a scene if you have to. Call the police if necessary. Any group of people worth hanging out with will back you up.  That shit isn’t cool. Pushing alcohol past the body’s natural limits is dangerous. And drugging people without their knowledge is bullshit.

6. There is no sorority, fraternity, group, social club, or date worth risking alcohol poisoning to stay involved with. None. Any group or person that does not take “I’d rather not” or “I’ve had enough” as a completely valid reason not to imbibe intoxicants is not worth being around. See #2 and #3.  (Also: if you are going to violate the “no more than 3 drinks” rule, it better damn well be spread out over as many hours as you’re having drinks. You only have one liver.) You can do a drinking game with non-booze or diluted booze.

7. You’re legal now. You can buy all the booze you want. Do not, ever, under any circumstances, buy it for minors. They’ll ask. You can blame me if you want… “My mother would never forgive me if I bought you booze and something bad happened.” Secret: I might, eventually forgive you. But it would take a very long time. Don’t do it. That kind of popularity is not worth having.

8. Drink as much water as you do alcohol. On days when you have more than 1 drink, consider taking extra b-vitamins and an aspirin to help your body have fewer side effects. If you ever DO drink more than you normally would or should, consider R-lipoic acid (or the more easily available alpha lipoic acid) to help protect your liver and brain from the toxic effects of alcohol.

9. Caffeine cannot make someone sober. Nor can exercise. It takes time to metabolize alcohol, period. If someone you are with is having a hard time (vomiting, passing out) do not treat it lightly. Watch them. Call for help if needed (and err on the side of calling for help vs. waiting it out if they are having trouble staying conscious). It’s okay to be the person who says, “Enough.”

10. Alcohol is not just alcohol. Many alcoholic beverages also contain high fructose corn syrup, artificial colors and flavors, sulfites and other preservatives. Mixers can be particularly bad in this department. Distilled beverages derived from wheat are unlikely to contain gluten, per se, but may be irritating to the system for other reasons. If you notice negative effects after a particular beverage, it may not be the alcohol causing the problem, but something else. Wine headaches are usually sulfite allergies. Beer can contain gluten, though it often is tolerated okay, because of how the fermenting process works. There are wines that do not contain detectable sulfites, beers made from sorghum which were not made from gluten-containing grains. “Malt beverages”, often referred to as “wine coolers” are often made from gluten-containing grains. You can mix your own coolers (Lemonade and red wine is delicious) or highballs (little bit of rum, lot of limeade) with things you handle better. Get to know what you tolerate. Keep in mind that some beers and wines are clarified with a variety of substances that precipitate out things that make them cloudy. Some of those “finings” are possible allergens. If you notice yourself reacting to a beer or wine, it may be a brand-specific issue, not “all of that variety”. Cheaper liquors are notorious for the artificial colors, flavors, and HFCS. They often don’t list ingredients. It will take time and experimenting to find the ones you handle best.  Clear, good quality alcohol (gin, vodka) diluted in fruit juice is probably your safest bet, potato vodka and sake are probably the least allergenic things out there.

11. If you don’t drink beer very often, it’s way easier to afford getting the good stuff. That’s true for most alcohol. Booze can be expensive, the temptation is to go cheap. I tend to prefer to drink less, but better quality stuff when I do.

12. Alcohol can be medicating. Like all medications, it has potential side effects. It is a depressant by nature, both in that it depresses the central nervous system, and that it can worsen depression. The worst time to drink is when you are depressed. It is a muscle relaxant. This can be useful, in moderation, occasionally. It tends to reduce anxiety and inhibitions, and in small quantities this can be useful in some circumstances. It can also reduce your control, coordination and general competence level, which is not usually worth it in high pressure situations. It can relieve pain, temporarily, short term. But it tends to “put off” difficult things, rather than fixing them. It is not an easy way out, no matter how simple it seems. There are times when a stiff drink (stiff=probably containing several servings) may well be an expedient short term “solution” for emotional pain. That’s *a* stiff drink. If you find yourself needing that drink on a regular basis to deal with an ongoing situation…consider finding other ways of dealing with the situation, or the “cure” may become the problem.

Alcohol can be fun. It can be delicious. It can be relaxing. It is not without risk, and being aware of those risks and intelligent about your choices will reduce the chances of having an alcohol-related disaster.

Personally I’ve gotten throwing-up drunk three times in my life. It is not fun and it is not worth it. 2 drinks are more fun than 5, and more than 5 is a trip to the porcelain throne. There are people who will brag about having a much higher tolerance for that. Don’t be those people. There are much better skills to develop and higher aspirations to have.

You don’t have to be obnoxious or superior about not wanting to get drunk, easy enough to say, “I’m a lightweight” and act a bit sillier than you feel, while sipping your highball (heavy on the orange juice, light on the vodka) slowly. My personal interest is in you preserving your brain cells. And the rest of you.

Happy birthday. I love you!

7 years ago…

….we started house shopping for the last time.

When I was born, we lived one place for 6 months, I’m told, then another place for about 4 years, then another place for about 5 years, then we were in an apartment for a month, a rental for a year and then we were at the longest home of my childhood, from 1982 through 1990… at which point my parents moved and I went off to college shortly after and between those moves and the vagaries of dorms and roommates and temporary accommodations and having a baby and becoming a single mother I ended up moving 17 times in 4 years. (I don’t even know if I can remember all of them, I counted once and remember the number–I counted a move as “dragged most or all of my shit from one place to another and slept there for more than 5 nights.” It’s the shit dragging that gets you down.)

That brings us to 1995, the year I got my first “on my own” place, just me and Kailea. She was 2 1/2. We lived in that place until she started first grade, at age 6, so 3 1/2 years.  It was  rathole of a townhouse (literal rats, worst part of town, had to call the cops a lot, got my car stolen, blah blah let me tell you the story about the people having sex on the front lawn some time…)

Then she got into an alternative program and we moved immediately to a townhouse about two short blocks from her school. That was Tyler, and we lived at Tyler until I married, in 2003. So pretty all but the last couple months of K’s elementary school years. 5 years there. We bought our first house.

4 years later we learned we would have to move again. The initiating factor ended up being a non-issue, but by that time the pressures to move were immense from other angles, and in 2007, we moved into The Uncommons. Seven years ago. Most of Shiny’s life. She’s nine. How is she nine? Hard to realize that my mother in law, who was the biggest factor in moving, has been gone for more than 5 years… and was only in this, the last place she ever lived, for about 20 months. Miles has always lived here. Miles will probably live here until he graduates high school, and for one of my children, the permanency I never had (and didn’t really, to be honest, miss–many of our moves I was very glad for) will be real. I fought tooth and nail (and succeeded) in keeping K with the same group of kids but had to move to do it. Miles… his home will be his constancy, and we may be more flexible with where he goes to school.

In another year, I will have officially lived here as long as I’ve ever lived in one place. It is not a flawless house, but it is ours, and I doubt we will ever move again.

Miles

Miles is 20 1/2 months old. He is about 28 pounds, maybe a little more. He is talking in sentences, but sometimes his sentences are kind of wacky. He can imitate almost anything he hears… unless he already decided he knew how to say it before he really figured out how to say it properly, in which case we get things like “Gapes!”  and “Boop!”

The other day a friend came over with her son, who we’ll call Joseph, as she doesn’t generally identify him online by his real name. Joseph is about 5 months older than Miles. That makes him 2 years and a couple months. Joseph is not quite as verbose as Miles is around strangers, but has the word “Mine!” down pat.

Miles was fascinated. He said, “Joseph!” clear as  a bell a moment after the boy came into the room. They played, fought over a toy, shrieked at each other briefly and then settled down to play. His mother said, “Joe…” and Miles picked up on this. They were here for five minutes. Ever since it is “Joseph. Joe. Joseph. MY Joseph. Mine.” Those who know the child in question will be able to substitute his real name into this dialogue, and his nickname….

He’s also wild about his cousin, “Lala!” He sometimes says Laura, but usually it’s “Lala!” and his pitch and decibel level rise in excitement when she’s around, usually to the level of sonic torture within moments. Lala is the one who teaches him things like “Flying with Cars” (stand on table, take flying leap onto Cozy Coupe toy car’s roof, go skidding across the living room), “Perching on cars” (climb onto roof of car, be lord of all you survey) and “Gate scaling 101.”

Laura commented today that when he is four he will be bigger than she is. What she doesn’t realize is that when he’s four, he’s going to be bigger than she is when she’s six. She’s about 30 pounds. He’s 28. He’s been catching up steadily since birth. I’m guessing age 5 or 6 is when he’ll catch up to Shiny. For all that, he remains RIDICULOUSLY average. I think his weight is like 65th percentile, but we won’t know for sure until the next time he gets sick, because I put my mama foot down and will not set foot in the doctor’s office with them unless there’s a damn good reason, and having the doctor weigh and measure an obviously thriving child is not sufficient to risk setting foot in the office. We haven’t been in months… he hasn’t been sick in months. Coincidence? I think not. Screw you, well baby checks. We’re not vaccinating until he’s at least two, so there’s no point.

He’s my first kid to NOT fall percentiles in the second year of life. Kailea went from Sumo Baby to average during that time, Shiny went ages not gaining and then we went on a cruise and started her on CoQ10 and she put on 5 pounds in about 2 months. Kailea spent a year putting on a pound and then put on 3 pounds in 3 weeks right before her 2 year growth spurt. Miles just keeps ticking merrily upwards, his proportions changing very little, he just keeps getting closer, you know?

The baby isn’t all gone from him yet… what remains is the child who roots desperately in his sleep when the nipple falls away, and then who turns his head away and purses his lip when he’s sated. When he’s awake he’s all kid, but he clings to that last bit of baby in his sleep.

I find myself cherishing where he’s at, and cherishing the progress he makes, and regretting his passing through stages not in the slightest. When people say, “Stop growing, baby!” I shudder. I’ve been there, done that, and it’s not all that. Grow baby. Grow at your own pace, do your thing, you’re doing just fine.

A snapshot or two, verbally

“Go ahside? My Ah-side? Go car? Go car Shiny?” (Commenting on the process of picking up his sister from the bus.)

He no longer runs for the street when the front door is open. Until hubby turned it over, he ran for the kiddy pool instead, to splash in the 2 inches of water and muddy leaves and sticks he’s put in there like its his job. And for a few precious weeks, for the cluster of blackberry bushes, where he separated the berries into “Yayboowies” and “Yumboories” and “Yucky boories”. He chases our tenants’ cat and runs from their (giant) dog… (Atari the dog is a big black goofball. He’s half black lab and half newfoundland. He is a seriously HUGE black goofball. He can knock Miles over with his tongue, and often does.)

“Gimme dat” and “Leh GO!” and since our young friend’s visit, “Mine!” are becoming frequent refrains. He tried pulling that crap with Laura, who was all, “Dude, I’m an expert” and promptly stopped when she shriek retaliated and sat on him briefly. That said, he’s rapidly breaking her of the idea that she gets to set up elaborate play structures in this playroom and expect them to remain…. get this…. *rofl* untouched. She has her house, and her only child queen bee status, and she can do that THERE. Here, if you walk away from your six small creatures each in separate cups, you’ve got to expect that Miles is going to haul off two of the cups with creatures in, and that Shiny will pull the creatures out of the rest and then stack the cups, and then mug Miles for the cups he’s got and stack those cups too.

It is noisier but easier, marginally, with her here, though I find her talking to be endless. It’s been a long time since I had someone asking me that many questions.

Miles does ask questions but he’s not sure why yet. He loves saying and signing “What?” but doesn’t get that when I say “What?” to him that it’s a request to repeat what he previously said. If he’s getting in trouble and I start to catch him he’ll preempt me by saying, “Wha arn you dooning?” or the variant, “Where arn you go-ning?”

The inflection is priceless, as he apes me quite well. Including things he shouldn’t, like, “Dammee!” which is always said in as appropriate a situation as you can get for a 20 month old… such as, I drop my mouse, and he says, “Dammee! Dopped eet. I get it.” Since he then hops off my lap and hands me the mouse, I can’t complain.

He’s exploring cause and effect, and consequences. I handed him a bunch of grapes on Tuesday as we drove home from the produce co-op… and he ate many, but then started hollering, “Oh no, Gapes!” as we drove to Kailea’s house. A mile away from our destination, he started crying.

When I opened the door, I discovered many, many grapes lying on the floor of the car. I picked them up, handed them to him, and we were off with Kailea to go home…. as I drove we heard a small. thud…thud thud… and then, “Oh no, Gapes!” We glanced at each other, and tried to keep a straight face as we heard again…thud..thud thud…. “Oh no, Gapes!” And again with the crying…. by that point we were laughing out loud. 13 grapes he threw overboard, every time yelling, “Oh no, Gapes!”

He is SUCH an easy going kid. I mean, he has opinions and will get mad, but he genuinely enjoys having other kids around and seems to instinctively know how to insert himself into their play in a way I certainly never figured out. It’s like he’s surfing the top of the bell curve.

Oh dear god, I think I’m raising an extrovert.